From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Archive for May 2012

Time can be rewritten

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Time can be rewritten.

Pretty awesome blog. This gal drops some fashion knowledge, Assembling (see what I did there?) outfits based on the Avengers.

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Written by MrZissman

05/31/2012 at 4:47 PM

The Legend of Mr. T

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It was said that Yoda had three sons to carry on his legacy after he merged with The Infinite. To his first son, he bestowed upon him The Gift of the Chin and this boy grew up to be Bruce Campbell. His second son, he gave the gift of The Roundhouse and that young man grew up to be Chuck Norris.

But his third son, his most prized and precious child, he bestowed upon him The Gift of Pity. Granted, his brothers had chainsaws, boomsticks and Legs of Justice to fight evil and indeed, his third son had amazing strength, so fighting evil would not be a problem for him. But yet, sometimes in life, we run across fools and fools don’t deserve death, but rather they deserve pity. The third son was Mr. T.

Born at the age of five years old, young Mr. T (SIDE NOTE: The ‘T’ is actually shortened for his real name, which I shall not post here. Legend has it that to evoke the full name of The Pitying One shall bring about End of Days.) was taken to a remote temple in the furthest jungles of Northern Michigan. There, he was trained by Yoda, Xena: Warrior Princess, RoboCop and the disembodied ghost of former US President Teddy Roosevelt. Four long years passed as Mr. T was trained in the most deadly of martial arts and mastered the art of Pitying.

On his twelfth birthday, he left the temple to hike the deadly mountains of Titicaca and challenge the mighty dire-dragon, Fing Fang Foom. The battle was legendary and lasted for seven months, but in the end, Mr. T defeated the villainous dragon by hitting him with a Reverse Inverted Dragon-Snap Suplex into a volcano, thereby banishing from the world the foul beast. At that moment, his facial hair and deadly mo-hawk grew on his head, signifying that his journey to manhood had come an end. As he walked down the side of the mountain, he was met by the Force ghost of his proud father, Yoda.

“Ready you are,” he said. “Complete your journey is. Take this. Remind you, it will, of me.” and with that he put the very first gold chain around his neck. Legend has it the each gold chain is actually the soul of a fool who refused T’s act of pity.

Now a man, T left the temple and wandered the country side, blessing those who needed pity and throwing sucka fools hella far. Knowing that the forces of darkness may seek his destruction at any time, he cloaked his activities by filming them with a camera and passing them off as a fictional series. You may know this as The A-Team.

Though he lacks the presence he once had, rest assured that Mr. T is always wandering the countrysides and cities of America, pitying fools, drinking milk, respecting his mama and just generally being awesome. So remember children, the next time you disrespect your mama, fail to say your prayers or do your homework, you’ll have to answer to this man.

I ain't getting on no plane, Hannibal!

And be ready to be thrown hella far.

The Glory of the Monster

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I’m a pretty clean-cut guy, for the most part. I rarely drink, I don’t do drugs, and I still have a “Gee, shucks” mid-Western mentality in the ever-cynical New York City. But one of the few vices I allow myself is an almost Behind the Music-esque addiction to energy drinks, or more specifically, Monster. This is a story about my first taste of Monster and the magical, life changing can that made me a better human. It was 2009 and the world was a wild and crazy place. Facebook was just starting its global domination conquest, Obama was enjoying his first year in the White House and I was desperate for something special, something powerful. I was tired, lethargic and needing a powerful roundhouse kick that would set my life to The Next Level. And one day in a Columbus gas station, my eyes laid upon the glory.

The Good Stuff

Adrenachrome?

I’m really not sure what drew me to it first. The large, green M? The gargantuan Goliath can? The BFC initials? To this day, I’ll never know. But I knew, I KNEW I had to have it. As I opened the glass door to the cooler, bathing in the crisp, cool waves of the industrial sized refrigeration unit, I wrapped my fingers around this liquid Mjolnir. Almost immediately I felt a spark of energy charge up my arm, sending my brain into ecstatic vibrations of anticipation. The money couldn’t leave my wallet fast enough and soon I was in my car. Now for those of you who have never graced The Buckeye State, it’s about an hour drive from Columbus to my old stomping grounds of Mansfield and the drive was an agony filled, joyless ride. I was not foolish enough to drink this mighty beverage in my car, for the highway can be a treacherous mine-field of thundering metal and squealing rubber. No, I would need all my reflexes to see through the twilight haze that was quickly darkening, for the sun was setting and soon the Bad Drivers would be out.

The headlights seemed to be cruel, jeering eyes that peered from the eventual inky-blackness of a Mid-Ohio Summer Night, their halogen evil casting taunting flashes of dread and worry. My soul ached to return to my apartment. Finally, like the poor soul in Plato’s Cave Allegory, I was freed from my shackles and no longer had to endure the wicked shadows that danced upon my tender soul. I was home. How quickly I opened the door! How swiftly I bolted my small studio apartment door, shutting myself out from the sinful world outside! With reckless abandon I plopped down in my office chair and held the can aloft before my eyes.

The thin metal was sweating beads of glorious perspiration, the touch of the can so smooth to my fingertips. My hands trembled with emotions as I popped the tab and the delicious aroma of Pure Liquid Satisfaction wafted to my nose, tickling my senses with the highest measurements of euphoria. Nearly breathless, I hoisted the can to my lips and took a sip. And then another. And then another. And then another. At first, nothing happened and my soul ached in despair. Could I have been deceived? Could my hopes have been dashed like the mighty Titanic? I was prepared to weep silently into the deep, dark night when something happened. It was like a rush, a powerful explosion of gamma radiation. As if a thousand screaming eagles were let loose in my blood stream, I felt alive! Colors and sounds approached me with a depth and clarity I had never experienced.

And at that moment, I heard the voice of Odin whisper into my head. “Fear not, my child,” he said “for I am Odin, ruler of Asgard. You have drunk from my royal blood and are One with the Cosmos. Rejoice! For today, are you are among The Worthy”

I say thee "Yay!"

He also gave me this

I finished the rest of the bottle and received very little sleep that night, for I knew my life had been changed. Now, several years later, I find myself loyal to the Monster brand. In fact, I have harvested enough tabs from my conquests to send away for my first Monster shirt. Soon I shall bear the logo of The Sacred Fluid and share upon the world The Truth. For lo, I am but a voice in this Concrete Jungle, but this voice shall ring true and just and spread the glory of Monster. Such is my calling. Such is my destiny.

I can't liivvvvvveeee, if living is without yoooouuuuuuuu

BFFs

Written by MrZissman

05/20/2012 at 9:03 PM

with 3 comments

Awesome entry about growing up addicted to horror and monster movies.

Films etc.

I’ve often wondered how and why my interests developed as they did. I grew up on a small farm in Iowa in the 50s, and experienced all that went with that. So maybe it’s odd – or maybe it makes perfect sense – that from an early age, as early as I can remember, I was totally in love with science fiction and horror (monsters!) via all their delivery systems; i.e.  books, magazines, comics, TV, and movies. Mainly movies, probably because films are so immediate.

I was an only child, and with no kids in my age range nearby, I was basically by myself until I started grade school. I developed an elaborate fantasy life, which fed directly off of all this stuff. My head was working overtime, mainlining every film and comic that crossed my path. My mother loved movies, so we went a lot. There was a glut…

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Written by MrZissman

05/18/2012 at 3:25 PM

CHAPTER 1 – FINLAND? MORE LIKE WIN-LAND

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Hello class, its Professor Zissman. Welcome to your first class of ROCKING THE HELL OUT 101. Today we will be discussing The Greatest Music Video of All Time. But before we do, let’s discuss on what makes a music video great.  A music video needs to be catchy, in the sense that it needs to keep the attention of the viewer. Remember, you have to keep the audience interested to sit through the entire presentation. With a glut of music videos being released every day, you have to make sure your video stands head and shoulders above the rest. Now please open your text books to chapter one.

CHAPTER 1 – FINLAND? MORE LIKE WIN-LAND

Not quite an angel or the one that fell

Meet Lordi.  Lordi is a Finnish hard rock/heavy metal band, formed in 1996 by the band’s lead singer, songwriter and costume-designer, Mr. Lordi. The band is known for wearing monster masks and using pyrotechnics during concerts. Take one look and it’s easy to see they’ve been influenced by such acts as KISS or GWAR.

Now Lordi has many videos thus far to their credit, but for today’s lesson we shall be observing the video for “Hardrock Hallelujah” off the album “The Arockalyspe.” Please pay attention to the screen and NO SLEEPING, do I make myself clear?

Okay, now, let’s talk about what we just saw. The main character seems isolated and lonely in the high peer-pressure world of high school.  Notice how she keeps her head down as she walks through the hallway? This speaks volumes for the loneliness and isolation she feels on a day-to-day basis. Now from this point, most people would expect this girl, whom we shall now refer to as Metal Girl, to go home and spend the rest of the day wallowing in her own sorrow. Ah, but that’s where this video is different!

As we can see in the following scenes, she watches the cheerleading squad practice their routine, even going so far as to rudely push her out-of-the-way. Again, Metal Girl feels like she’s invisible. But then, due to various rock and roll-based supernatural powers, Lordi manages to not only dim the lights but somehow put the snotty cheerleaders into a death-like coma.  We then are treated to the musical stylings of Lordi, complete with pyro.

Next is when the video takes an interesting turn. Mr. Lordi, the lead singer, seems to awaken the cheerleaders from their death-like coma, but they have now become zombies or Deadite-like creatures. At first, Metal Girl seems apprehensive, even terrified. But as Mr. Lordi continues on with the song, she seems slowly won over by their music and by the end of the video, is actually commanding the zombie cheerleader army.

So class, you now have your video. Your assignment for this weekend is a 500 word essay, single spaced, 12 point font, on what you think this video means to you. No cheating and please just don’t copy and paste Wikipedia, I will check. Class is dismissed.

Written by MrZissman

05/18/2012 at 11:10 AM

The Stephen Harvey Foundation: Bringing Tomorrow to Today

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WE INTERRUPT YOUR NORMAL BLOGGINGS FOR A VERY SPECIAL CHARITY ANNOUNCEMENT 

– PLEASE PRESS PLAY ON THE FOLLOWING VIDEO BEFORE YOU READ –


Hello, I’m a Sally Struthers. Do you know anyone who’s turning 30? Sure, we all do. Every day, thousands of 29 year olds turn 30 and you may think there’s nothing you can do about it. But you’re wrong. I’m here today to announce the launch of the Stephen Harvey Foundation. This group, founded in 2012, aims to ease the transition from 29 to 30 by rewarding these poor souls with wicked awesome gifts.

For those of you who are unaware, turning 30 is a major milestone in anyone’s life. Gone are the carefree days of your 20’s and soon you have to embrace the Final Adulthood of things like 401(k)s, khaki pants, which heartburn medication works best and actually caring about American Idol.

So you can imagine why this would be a hard transition for anyone, but the Stephen Harvey Foundation is here to help. For starters, you can learn more about our organization by clicking here. Our assorted lot of Morale Boosters comes in a variety of prices, so you can be sure to find just the right item for that special 29 ¾ year old in your life. You don’t have to spend a lot, friends. Just a bit goes a long way in making sure that the transition to 30 doesn’t have to be a hard one.

My friends, won’t you be an angel to a special 29 ¾ year old in your life? Just click, buy and you can sleep easier at night knowing how you’ve helped the Stephen Harvey Foundation. We’re bringing tomorrow to today.

Written by MrZissman

05/14/2012 at 8:35 PM

I’m a Lumberjack, BABY

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For starters, everyone needs to watch this video before you read any further. Go ahead, I’ll wait..

There. Now you know about chainsaws. Now that you know about chainsaws, you need to see this.

But I ain't jacked my lumber, baby, since my chain saw you.

That sweet baby is an Echo US CS-400 Chainsaw. This sweet baby features i-30 Starting Technology, 40.2cc POWER BOOST Vortex Engine and is available in both 16″ and 18″ blades and, up until about a week ago, I had no idea I wanted one. I’m not exactly sure what day it was, but I remember logging on to Facebook and seeing an ad for a FREE CHAINSAW. All I had to do was enter a contest and it could be mine. Oh, but there was a catch! I had to use their DIS-Likenator and explain in so many words what I really dislike. Well, my first thought was to write something Evil Dead related, because let’s face it, no one can make a chainsaw look sexy like Bruce Campbell.

I came.

Hail to the King, Baby

But no, I figured the zombie angle was taken and (pun fully intended) done to death. If I was going to win this chainsaw, I needed to take a fresh angle, something bold and different. So on a sleep-deprived, stream-of-consciousness, mind-train thought process, I came up with this:

“The trees have become too powerful. At night I can hear them whispering secrets, plotting to overthrow the World of Flesh and embark upon a brutal campaign of bark covered hell. I feel the time has come for man to rise up against The Trees and slice them down in swift, brutal retaliation before they have a chance to strangle the very essence of life out of us with their scraggly roots.”

And that was that. Days went by and I had all but forgotten about the chainsaw till I got a package this afternoon in the mail. No, it wasn’t my beloved CS-400, but a free Echo USA Trucker Cap and a Lorax coloring book to help me “appease the trees”, as the enclosed note said. I was flattered, but bummed I didn’t win the chainsaw. But then later on, I was back on Facebook and saw that Echo USA had taken the time to give me a special shoutout on their Facebook wall! Even more cool, but…but no chainsaw.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Stephen! You live in New York City! What could you possibly need a chainsaw for?” Well, I’m glad you asked because

STEPHEN’S LIST OF THINGS HE WOULD DO WITH AN AWESOME ECHO CS-400 CHAINSAW

  • No need for an electric carver on Thanksgiving
  • A trendy paper weight
  • It could be an awesome “You call that a knife? This is a knife!” Crocodile Dundee moment.
  • Damn sure no one is gonna mug me in this city
  • Great conversation starter
  • Obligatory Zombie Apocalypse protection

 So yeah, TONS of uses. But now, I must weep bitter tears of rejection into the cold, dark lonely night of sorrow. Crying because I have been denied my chainsaw. ECHO-USA, if you are reading this, I could really use that chainsaw right about now…

Written by MrZissman

05/03/2012 at 8:54 PM

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