From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Archive for the ‘Music’ Category

Wolfdog Marketing for Business Sales People (of Business)

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One thing you may not know about me is that I am a marketing man. I’m a two-time DECA (Google it, kids) State Advertising Campaign Co-Champion and a man of business wisdom and knowledge. But when I’m not closing multi-billion dollar deals with global business people, I like to unwind by engaging in my favorite past time, Volcano Grizzly Bear Wrestling. [SIDE NOTE: I competed in the 2012 Invitational Tournament, but finished second, even though I thought I clearly won. I do believe one of the judges was a bit biased, since she was one-quarter Kodiak bear on her Mom’s side.] But after a terrible laceration that left me hospitalized for several days, I decided to retire and go back to my first love, business sales marketing.

It’s because of my love for business sales marketing dollar procedures that I discovered the brilliant Mr. Wolfdog. Mr. Wolfdog, for those of you who don’t know, was hired by Old Spice to be their new Director of Marketing. Now you may not think a wolfdog would know anything about marketing, but you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Mr. Wolfdog demonstrated a powerful knowledge of everything from winning job interviews, hiring employees, to even instructing on how to operate digital computer machines.

But what really drives home the increased synergy value is his debut album of powerful musical odes to business and marketing. Music that will increase your sales and make all the money for you. So much money.

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Released not too long ago, NIGHT BUSINESS will do for marketing what the internet did for cash digital dot com sales. Power moves. I highly suggest anyone with an interest in dollars and line charts download this album (for free, I might add) RIGHT HERE. If you’re still not sold, allow me to offer a break down, track by track.

1)      SYNERGY – The opening track is a great marketing warning shot fired from a sales cannon made of dollars. At first listen, this synth-heavy track may sound ominous, but in fact, that’s just the sound of business. It’s powerful, booming and lets you know this album means business. Dollar business. Marketing. Mr. Wolfdog narrates a spoken word motivational ditty that will ensure your next business meeting is synergized for maximum gain.

2)      STRESSFUL MEETING – For his second track, Mr. Wolfdog slows down the tempo to a nice throwback R&B jam. While a sexy beat seduces your listening ears, Director Wolfdog spins a tale of a stressful meeting and the coping mechanisms combined within. With storytelling abilities worthy of Stephen King, the song manages to be sexy and educational.

3)      BUSINESS CASUAL – Another synth heavy track that sounds like it came from an early 90’s dance club. Mr. Wolfdog lays down the proper protocol for business casual (“Activate khaki pants/Deactivate top button”) while the song’s drum track hits all the right notes. Its hypnotic, but just enough to bring your line graphs up to sales. BOOM. I just sold you this.

4)      BUSINESS LUNCH – “This song is called lunch” is the opening phrase from Mr. Wolfdog. Behind a thumping trance-like track, the furry Director of Marketing combs through his data brain of ideas to recite some of his favorite business lunch food items for digestions. (SPOILER: Meat is involved.) Bring your appetite, because this song will make you hungry. Hungry for KNOWLEDGE. Business knowledge.

5)      PAYDAY – What day is it? No, it’s not Arbor Day. It’s not Judgment Day. It’s not even Daniel Day Lewis. It’s Payday. This musical ode to cash money will fill your business account with Knowledge Dollars. Make a deposit and then withdraw.

6)      BORED AT WORK – We slow things down again as Mr. Wolfdog tickles the ivories for a slower, more sophisticated song. Gone is the beat thumping bravado of the previous tracks and instead we’re whisked away to a delightful after hours club where people wear suits and dresses and strange men offer breath mints in the bathroom. Wolfdog starts off by lamenting about being bored at work, before pivoting into a motivational speech on how to overcome the dreaded workplace boredom.

7)      SPREADSHEETS – We’re back to another sexy R&B jam that’ll arouse your love portfolio and your business acumen at the same time. Wolfdog soulfully and seductively goes on about constructing spread sheets and his desire to see more spread sheets. Turn the lights down, this one is after business hours only.

8)      OVERTIME – Just when you thought Director Mr. Wolfdog had lost his edge, BOOM, he rockets back with a pounding, up-tempo track that sounds like it was written by Meatloaf from the original ‘Bat out of Hell’ sessions. This adrenaline fueled rocket-ship to the board room sings of a cash grabbing over-time session and the financial benefits contained within. Big money. Big profit.

9)      ELEVATORS – The final track of this album is also the longest, but features the least amount of Wolfdog. That’s fine, because we have a slower song that sounds like it came from Radiohead’s “OK Computer” era. A song dedicated to elevators. Listen.

If this hasn’t convinced you to download this album, then all hope is lost. Forever you will be shunned as an outcast, forced to wear a shameful badge of humiliation as your lies gather around your head like a crown made of iron. You had a choice and your chose to ignore it and now your end has come. Or you could download the album and increase your business sales marketing profit margins.

In short, whether you’re human male or human female, or business activated wolfdog, this album will speak into your soul. Your wallet will burst, your tears will flow and your life will forever be changed. Marketing.

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Written by MrZissman

03/20/2013 at 7:32 PM

CHAPTER 1 – FINLAND? MORE LIKE WIN-LAND

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Hello class, its Professor Zissman. Welcome to your first class of ROCKING THE HELL OUT 101. Today we will be discussing The Greatest Music Video of All Time. But before we do, let’s discuss on what makes a music video great.  A music video needs to be catchy, in the sense that it needs to keep the attention of the viewer. Remember, you have to keep the audience interested to sit through the entire presentation. With a glut of music videos being released every day, you have to make sure your video stands head and shoulders above the rest. Now please open your text books to chapter one.

CHAPTER 1 – FINLAND? MORE LIKE WIN-LAND

Not quite an angel or the one that fell

Meet Lordi.  Lordi is a Finnish hard rock/heavy metal band, formed in 1996 by the band’s lead singer, songwriter and costume-designer, Mr. Lordi. The band is known for wearing monster masks and using pyrotechnics during concerts. Take one look and it’s easy to see they’ve been influenced by such acts as KISS or GWAR.

Now Lordi has many videos thus far to their credit, but for today’s lesson we shall be observing the video for “Hardrock Hallelujah” off the album “The Arockalyspe.” Please pay attention to the screen and NO SLEEPING, do I make myself clear?

Okay, now, let’s talk about what we just saw. The main character seems isolated and lonely in the high peer-pressure world of high school.  Notice how she keeps her head down as she walks through the hallway? This speaks volumes for the loneliness and isolation she feels on a day-to-day basis. Now from this point, most people would expect this girl, whom we shall now refer to as Metal Girl, to go home and spend the rest of the day wallowing in her own sorrow. Ah, but that’s where this video is different!

As we can see in the following scenes, she watches the cheerleading squad practice their routine, even going so far as to rudely push her out-of-the-way. Again, Metal Girl feels like she’s invisible. But then, due to various rock and roll-based supernatural powers, Lordi manages to not only dim the lights but somehow put the snotty cheerleaders into a death-like coma.  We then are treated to the musical stylings of Lordi, complete with pyro.

Next is when the video takes an interesting turn. Mr. Lordi, the lead singer, seems to awaken the cheerleaders from their death-like coma, but they have now become zombies or Deadite-like creatures. At first, Metal Girl seems apprehensive, even terrified. But as Mr. Lordi continues on with the song, she seems slowly won over by their music and by the end of the video, is actually commanding the zombie cheerleader army.

So class, you now have your video. Your assignment for this weekend is a 500 word essay, single spaced, 12 point font, on what you think this video means to you. No cheating and please just don’t copy and paste Wikipedia, I will check. Class is dismissed.

Written by MrZissman

05/18/2012 at 11:10 AM

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