From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Posts Tagged ‘Bruce Campbell

The Legend of Mr. T

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It was said that Yoda had three sons to carry on his legacy after he merged with The Infinite. To his first son, he bestowed upon him The Gift of the Chin and this boy grew up to be Bruce Campbell. His second son, he gave the gift of The Roundhouse and that young man grew up to be Chuck Norris.

But his third son, his most prized and precious child, he bestowed upon him The Gift of Pity. Granted, his brothers had chainsaws, boomsticks and Legs of Justice to fight evil and indeed, his third son had amazing strength, so fighting evil would not be a problem for him. But yet, sometimes in life, we run across fools and fools don’t deserve death, but rather they deserve pity. The third son was Mr. T.

Born at the age of five years old, young Mr. T (SIDE NOTE: The ‘T’ is actually shortened for his real name, which I shall not post here. Legend has it that to evoke the full name of The Pitying One shall bring about End of Days.) was taken to a remote temple in the furthest jungles of Northern Michigan. There, he was trained by Yoda, Xena: Warrior Princess, RoboCop and the disembodied ghost of former US President Teddy Roosevelt. Four long years passed as Mr. T was trained in the most deadly of martial arts and mastered the art of Pitying.

On his twelfth birthday, he left the temple to hike the deadly mountains of Titicaca and challenge the mighty dire-dragon, Fing Fang Foom. The battle was legendary and lasted for seven months, but in the end, Mr. T defeated the villainous dragon by hitting him with a Reverse Inverted Dragon-Snap Suplex into a volcano, thereby banishing from the world the foul beast. At that moment, his facial hair and deadly mo-hawk grew on his head, signifying that his journey to manhood had come an end. As he walked down the side of the mountain, he was met by the Force ghost of his proud father, Yoda.

“Ready you are,” he said. “Complete your journey is. Take this. Remind you, it will, of me.” and with that he put the very first gold chain around his neck. Legend has it the each gold chain is actually the soul of a fool who refused T’s act of pity.

Now a man, T left the temple and wandered the country side, blessing those who needed pity and throwing sucka fools hella far. Knowing that the forces of darkness may seek his destruction at any time, he cloaked his activities by filming them with a camera and passing them off as a fictional series. You may know this as The A-Team.

Though he lacks the presence he once had, rest assured that Mr. T is always wandering the countrysides and cities of America, pitying fools, drinking milk, respecting his mama and just generally being awesome. So remember children, the next time you disrespect your mama, fail to say your prayers or do your homework, you’ll have to answer to this man.

I ain't getting on no plane, Hannibal!

And be ready to be thrown hella far.


I’m a Lumberjack, BABY

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For starters, everyone needs to watch this video before you read any further. Go ahead, I’ll wait..

There. Now you know about chainsaws. Now that you know about chainsaws, you need to see this.

But I ain't jacked my lumber, baby, since my chain saw you.

That sweet baby is an Echo US CS-400 Chainsaw. This sweet baby features i-30 Starting Technology, 40.2cc POWER BOOST Vortex Engine and is available in both 16″ and 18″ blades and, up until about a week ago, I had no idea I wanted one. I’m not exactly sure what day it was, but I remember logging on to Facebook and seeing an ad for a FREE CHAINSAW. All I had to do was enter a contest and it could be mine. Oh, but there was a catch! I had to use their DIS-Likenator and explain in so many words what I really dislike. Well, my first thought was to write something Evil Dead related, because let’s face it, no one can make a chainsaw look sexy like Bruce Campbell.

I came.

Hail to the King, Baby

But no, I figured the zombie angle was taken and (pun fully intended) done to death. If I was going to win this chainsaw, I needed to take a fresh angle, something bold and different. So on a sleep-deprived, stream-of-consciousness, mind-train thought process, I came up with this:

“The trees have become too powerful. At night I can hear them whispering secrets, plotting to overthrow the World of Flesh and embark upon a brutal campaign of bark covered hell. I feel the time has come for man to rise up against The Trees and slice them down in swift, brutal retaliation before they have a chance to strangle the very essence of life out of us with their scraggly roots.”

And that was that. Days went by and I had all but forgotten about the chainsaw till I got a package this afternoon in the mail. No, it wasn’t my beloved CS-400, but a free Echo USA Trucker Cap and a Lorax coloring book to help me “appease the trees”, as the enclosed note said. I was flattered, but bummed I didn’t win the chainsaw. But then later on, I was back on Facebook and saw that Echo USA had taken the time to give me a special shoutout on their Facebook wall! Even more cool, but…but no chainsaw.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Stephen! You live in New York City! What could you possibly need a chainsaw for?” Well, I’m glad you asked because


  • No need for an electric carver on Thanksgiving
  • A trendy paper weight
  • It could be an awesome “You call that a knife? This is a knife!” Crocodile Dundee moment.
  • Damn sure no one is gonna mug me in this city
  • Great conversation starter
  • Obligatory Zombie Apocalypse protection

 So yeah, TONS of uses. But now, I must weep bitter tears of rejection into the cold, dark lonely night of sorrow. Crying because I have been denied my chainsaw. ECHO-USA, if you are reading this, I could really use that chainsaw right about now…

Written by MrZissman

05/03/2012 at 8:54 PM

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