TOP 10 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN

Ah yes, Spring is quickly approaching. The birds chirp sweet odes of pure affection in the warm air, the bees buzz merrily as they hop from flower to flower, and as a Conservative politician has anonymous gay sex with a call boy whom he will never love, it’s clear that the mood is right for romance.

Now during my Kwai Chang Caine-like wanderings through this vast digital-binary wasteland, I stumbled across THIS article on Cracked.com. Before you go any further, I strongly urge anyone involved in any kind of sexual relationship to read it, especially if you are a man. I’ll wait.

Back? HORRIBLE, ISN’T IT?! I mean, there’s probably a whole litany of poor guys who have been subjected to these diabolical tips. THE HUMANITY! Still, my curiosity got the best of me and the temptation for some exposure won me over, so I decided to create my list of cringe-inducing sex ‘tips’ for Cosmo. So Cosmo Ladies, if you are paying attention, let Dr. Love whip out his prescription pad and prescribe some love.

10) THE APOLLO 13 – Janet, 27, loves this one! While on top of her boyfriend, she leans in and whispers ‘Houston, we have a problem!’ and lights him on fire. This will put his pod into orbit, ladies!

9) MAXWELL’S SILVER HAMMER – Eleanor, 66, uses this little trick to spice up her love life. “Right before he climaxes, I bring my silver hammer down upon his head.” Doot dooh dooh dooh.

8) THE ROCKSTAR – Beth, 76, likes to kick things up a notch with this little number. “Just when he’s naked and ready to go, I scream ‘GOODNIGHT CLEVELAND, WE LOVE YOU!’ and smash a Flying V on his man-bits.” That’ll crank his amp up to 11!

7) THE BLUE SHELL – Peach, 27, likes this little diddy when behind her man in a passionate embrace. “I don’t like to him to finish first, so when I’m behind him, I throw a blue turtle shell to slow him down.” PRESS START for fun!

6) THE METALLICA – Sral, 49, really enjoys this handy tip. “Right when my partner climaxes, I scream ‘RIDE THE LIGHTNING!’ and hook jumper cables up to his nipples.” Looks like this guy found the “One”!

5) THE LYNCH – Betty, 44, loves to please her man with this hot tip! “I like to make love while wearing a scuba mask while my husband is dressed like Ronald Reagan. A clown sits in the corner and cries softly. This is filmed in black and white with the looping sound of a dog barking plays over and over.” Umm…what?

4) THE HOUSE – Lisa, 45, enjoys playing doctor with her special guy! “When we’re fooling around, I down an entire bottle of Vicodin and then do reckless surgery while constantly making sarcastic, belittling remarks.” Sounds like THE MOST SHOCKING CASE EVER!

3) THE A-ROD – Dee-Dee, age-withheld, enjoys this sweet number. “Basically, I demand to be paid $65 million and then do nothing of any real value.” Talk about a Yankee Doodle Dandy!

2) THE HULKSTER – Terri, 21, loves to get physical in the bedroom. “A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I were making out on the couch and things were getting kinda hot and heavy. So I felt kinda kinky and hit him with a steel chair, nailed him with the Big Boot and then dropped the leg for the 1-2-3, brother!” TWIN REFEREES!

1) THE GRAVE DIGGER – Megan, 19, loves to burn rubber, if you know what we mean! “My boyfriend and I were getting really nasty one night in the backseat of his Dodge, so I slyly excused myself to go ‘freshen up’, only to smash over his car with a 12,000 lb, 1,500 horsepower, 11 foot tall monster truck.” Sounds like a kinky trick for any day of the week, not just SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY.

So Cosmo, please hire me! True, I may be Vaginally Impaired, but I’m sure my list of painful, grotesque and just generally down-right humiliating sexual methods just may be the spice you’re looking for! CALL ME!