Everybody Wong Cheng Tonight!

Guys, I hate to  break it to you, but I’m gonna shut this blog down. Why? CAUSE I’M GONNA BE STINKIN’ RICH! That’s right, I’m going to be L-O-A-D-E-D! See, the thing started when I suddenly received an email from someone named “Patricia” with a college e-mail address. But strangely, the letter was not from Patricia, but from a Mr. Wong Cheng…

Good Day,
Although, I do not know you in person, I have received your contact via, personal search while seeking a reliable but obscure individual to assist me in this pending transaction. It became necessary for me to seek your assistance as i want you to assist me in investing my share of the money in your Country.

Let me start by introducing myself. I am Mr.Wong Cheng director of operations of the Bank Of Japan,United Kingdom . I have an Obscured business suggestion for you . In 2003, the subject matter; ref: bb/boj/bank/0012 came to our bank to engage in business discussions with our Private Banking Services Department. A client of ours informed us that he had a financial portfolio of 8.35 million United States Dollars, which he wished to have us turn over (invest) on his behalf and i was the officer assigned to his case.The favored route in my advice to customers is to start by assessing data on 6000 traditional stocks and bond managers and 2000 managers of alternative investments,this yielded funds in just 2 Years.
In mid 2005, he asked that the money be liquidated because he needed to make an urgent investment requiring cash payments in Europe.I undertook all the processes and made sure I followed his precise instructions to the letter and had the funds deposited in a security consultancy firm,He told me he wanted the money there in anticipation of his arrival from Norway later that week. This was the last communication we had, this transpired around 9th October, 2005.

I made futile efforts to locate him I immediately passed the task of locating him to the internal investigations department of the bank of japan.Four days later, information started to trickle in, apparently he was dead. In line with our internal processes for account holders who have passed away, we instituted our own investigations in good faith to determine who should have right to claim the estate. This investigation has for the past months been unfruitful. We have scanned every continent and used our private investigation affiliate companies to get to the root of the problem.
What I wish to relate to you will smack of unethical practice but I want you to understand something,there is US$ 8,370,000.00 deposited , I alone have the deposit details and they will release the deposit to no one unless I instruct them to do so,i alone know of the existence of this deposit for as far as BOJ is concerned.

My proposal; I am prepared to place you in a position to give instruction for the release of the deposit to you as the closest surviving relation.Upon receipt of the deposit, I am prepared to share the money with you in half. That is: I will simply nominate you as the next of kin and have them release the deposit to you. We share the proceeds 50/50.
I am aware of the consequences of this proposal.I ask that if you find no interest in this project that you should discard this mail.I am not a criminal and what I do, I do not find against good conscience,this may be hard for you to understand, but the dynamics of my industry dictates that I make this move.

If you find yourself able to work with me, Contact me only through this email address (cheng-1@live.com ),Please observe this instruction religiously. Please, again, note I am a family man; I have a wife and children.I send you this mail not without a measure of fear as to what the consequences,but I know within me that nothing ventured is nothing gained and that success and riches never come easy or on a platter of gold.

I await your response,here is my Email again ( cheng-1@live.com )

Thanks
Wong Cheng

WOW! What a fantastic offer. The first thing I did was email Patricia to change her e-mail password, but I then sent Mr. Cheng an e-mail to capitalize on this Fantastic Offer™!

I am excited for this chance of big high cash money dollars! What do I do in order to claim this?

I then returned to my boring life of being Not Rich and waited for his reply. Sure enough, my new business partner was eager to get in touch with me.

Hello Friend,
Thank you very much for your prompt response to my proposal, I appreciate your interest in this transaction. Your interest to assist me is well noted , i am still skeptical also in believing that you could be of assistance to me, however I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with me, I cannot afford to compromise these virtues noting that you read my previous email carefully.

Considering the money involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction; my trust is not given out lightly. Please, let me have a brief biography of your person.

What I expect from you is trust and commitment; I want this large sum of money transferred with your assistance. I want to inform you here that in pursuing a God fearing partner who can assist me in this project, I did contact you from my local area chambers of commerce and industry’s directory here in London.

Note that I have not contacted you as a matter of choice but of necessity knowing fully well the monetary policy of your country and that of others. This indeed prompted me to informing you of this matter.

Furthermore, with regards to the legality of this transaction, I must let you know that this transaction is real and risk free, I want to know if you are willing to follow up this business seriously before I can give you more details about this transaction, however I Shall be waiting your response and assurance.

Sincerely,
Wong Cheng

Awww, how sweet! He just wants to know more about me. Well, Ask and Ye Shall Receive

I would be happy to share with you my life story.

For starters, I was born and raised in West Philadelphia where I spent a good chunk of my days on the playground. I did enjoy basketball, just shooting hoop, when a couple of gentlemen who really were up to no good starting making trouble in my neighborhood.

Well, let me assure you, I was not going to take such attempted intimidation lightly! In the end, it was just a minor altercation but it was enough to provoke my mother to insist that I live with my aunt and uncle in Bel-Air.

After packing my things, I whistled for a cab and as it became closer, the license plate said ‘FRESH’ (can you believe that?!) and had some fuzzy dice in the mirror. If anything I could say that this cab is quite rare, but in the end, I simply sighed and instructed the driver to make way to my new home in Bel-Air.

It was around 7 or 8 PM when I finally pulled in front of my new home and, after giving him a hearty tip, playfully told my cabbie to “smell ya later.” I then glanced at this new house and had figured I would live like a prince, but not an old prince, but rather a fresh one.

But then I moved to New York and here I am now. I collect bottle caps and enjoy watching re-runs of Leave it to Beaver.

I began to worry when several days passed and I had not heard a word from my business partner! Oh how I panicked! To think the cruel jaws of fate would snatch from me the wealth I so righteously deserve.  But hark! Did my eyes deceive me? I received a reply!

Dear Friend,
I want to thank you very much for your intrest to this matter and i admire your perspective to issues as this ,your choice of words is quite encouraging to me. I will like to welcome this lasting relationship with a brief introduction of my person before we shall proceed . I will also want you to please respond back in a like manner because it is important that I know in totality the personality upon whom I transact this deal with. You should understand my fears here as this involves a large sum of cash not stock.

Bio Data.
Wong Cheng,is a subject of biographical record Whose Publications inclusion in which is limited to individuals who have Demonstrated outstanding achievement in their own fields of endeavor and who have thereby contributed significantly to the Betterment of contemporary society. Occupation: international business executive, educator, author, banker
Born: Born in November 1959 Education
Mr. wong is a research fellow with a Bachelor’s degree.
Career. 2008-Head, operations manager, Private Banking Services (Bank of Japan)
December 2007 Deputy Governor, the People’s Bank of Japan (PBJ)
August 2005 Assistant Governor, the People’s Bank of Japan (PBJ) and Deputy President of the PBJ London branch Office
March 2005 Assistant Governor of PBJ
2002-Head of operations manager, (PBJ)
March 2001-March 2005 Deputy Administrator, State Administration of Foreign exchange
1998-2001 Director-General, Accounting and Treasury Department of PBJ
1994-1998 Spokesman of the PBC, Director-General of General Administration Department of PBJ
1992-1994 Deputy Director-General, Policy Research Department of PBJ
1985-1996 Staff in Policy Research Department, Legal Department and General
Administration Department of PBJ (December 1991-December 1990, visiting scholar in the Monetary Authority of Singapore)

Religion: Roman Catholic
Family: Married to Janet Hu in 1987 with a daughter in accordance to Japanese birth control.

Address
House address in UK: 112, west George street, Glasgow, UK
Note that my telephone numbers are not stated because my telephone numbers are always monitored by my bank’s security in order to know my relationship with customers. This is one problem in being a top banker.

Find attached a copy of my work ID. Please endeavor to keep my details confidential and also send me anymore information you think i need to know ,i want you to note that it is only in total trust and partnership that we can commence and conclude the project successfully.THANK YOU VERY MUCH

I await your response

Best regards,
Wong Cheng

He even included this picture of himself! HE’S SO DREAMY!

I HAD to let him know how I felt.

Dear sir, I am in very much awe and respect manners of your impressive resume. Indeed, you have shown quite the level of achievement that few have achieved in the history of achieving achievements.

Sir, may I confess in you something? I think you are very handsome. This is a bonus because I do not trust Ugly Men, as I myself am an Ugly Man.

I look forward to for your reply.

Hail Xenu,

Thaddeus R. Bluff

In my haste, I became concerned that My Business Partner would be scared by my devotion to the Dark Lord of all Thetans, but he was very assuring!

Dear Thaddeus,
 Thank you very much for your email response and your enthusiasm to assist me in this project.I have exhaustively considered your response today and I am satisfied that you have an understanding of the need for absolute secrecy in this pending project, hence my firm belief that I can count on your total support and confidentiality. I would proceed without any reservation to bring you into the complete picture of this transaction. Before doing this, I would again like to reiterate the importance of confidentiality, as I am career bankers who is still in active service and would not like my names to be brought to odium or my long tenure in office jeopardized.The money to be transferred in this project is $8,370,000.00 and we will be sharing the amount equally at the conclusion of the business.In searching for a God fearing and reliable partner for the purpose of this transaction, I have contacted you personally not as a matter ofchoice but of necessity knowing fully well, the monetary policies as regards funds transfer especially after the event of September 11th in America.I will be fully conscious in the pursuit of this project to make sure that we do not go against any local or international laws of funds transfer. You must understand that I am a family man and presently still serving here in the Bank of Japan UK. What I intend doing is to have your details that is your FULL NAME as documented, your TELEPHONE and FAX NUMBERS to contact you on as regards the transfer, your CONTACT ADDRESS, your AGE and also any possible of PHOTO IDENTIFICATION ,With these, I should be able to place together all documentation in your name to prove to the authority that you are truly the next of kin/beneficiary to the estate and I will also have the probate letter signed at the Court of Japan.As soon as all these are done and ratification exercise takes place which we must surely scale through as I will make a lot of under the table arrangement here, I will place an application of claim in your name for the release of the funds. As soon as we have concluded with this arrangement using an international clearing agent, you will then have to open up a separate bank account in your name and you alone have to be the signatory here in London. This bank will serve as an intermediary between your bank and the BOJ. The aim of the intermediary bank is to receive the funds from the BOJ and from there you can have the entire funds transferred bit by bit into any of your chosen bank account in your country. With this arrangement, even if there has to be a loop hole in what we have done so far the funds cannot be traced. These special banks which I will introduce to you are specialized in this aspect. They assist business men alike who do not want the heavy load of tax to eat into their fund, they also assist government official in taking our funds out of our country without due attention from any authority. You will get to know more about this once we have both accepted to be partners in this venture.This will be your responsibility and I will have to perfect the rest of the arrangement here.  The account you have are account from regular banks they cannot serve the purpose here. You will begin to understand and appreciate this idea once we have commenced process on this transaction. It is all going to be a bank to bank affair you do not need to worry in as much as you follow my words as religiously as possible.I will also like to know more about your biography to further increase my level of trust and confidence in you as I am afraid that anyone can make away with my entire funds once it gets to his/her possession. I want you to please make me believe in you that you will not let me down. I am a gentleman of honor who has this opportunity and will not let it go having worked in this sector for several years. This is my only opportunity and I will not toy with it. I will also assure you that I know what I am doing and to the best of my knowledge, the entire project is legitimate and very risk free in as much as we observe high level of confidentiality and treat this matter accordingly with the two of us sharing ideas and not missing words.If you have further knowledge on how we can go about this matter let us then open the room for discussion and let us deal with this matter totally.I will await further response from you.
Best regards,

Wong Cheng

WHAT YOU ARE TO SEND NOW ARE AS FOLLOWS…………………
FULL NAME AS DOCUMENTED
PHYSICAL CONTACT ADDRESS
TELEPHONE AND FAX NUMBERS
ANY FORM OF PHOTO IDENTIFICATION OR WORK ID

How demanding! I love a man who knows what  he wants! So of course, I had to reply…

DEAR SIR,

I fully admit to having a difficult day today. I was fired from my job of sheep herding and my favorite poodle, Sir Fluffkins III, died after choking on a hambone. Sadness now creeps up my spine like the first waves of a bad acid attack. Sorrow has become my prom date.

HOWEVER, imagine my surprise when I discovered this e-mail from you! Oh how my heart sang with joy! Oh how my loins burst with excitement! It was like Christmas, Arbor Day and Thanksgiving all rolled into one.

I assure you I have told no one of our business deal. In fact, my mother attempted to call me today to invite me over for Mother’s Day, but I immediately hung up and disconnected my phone. Firstly, because I believe she is after my riches and second, she has been dead for 37 years now. (God rest her soul)

And yes, I shall tell you more about myself so that we may bond. I am 5’7″, 219 lbs and enjoy eating frozen pizzas. In fact, that’s pretty much all I eat. That and chocolate pudding cups.

Yes, indeed. THESE ARE WORDS.

I also enjoy water skiing in my backyard and I have been known to dance a jig or two to the musical stylings of H.P. Lovecraft, whom I may have a strong attraction to.

As for my number, you may contact me at my new place of business, as I am starting my own mail order stamp company. The number to reach me is (212) 661-9097 and you can ask for my secretary, Amanda Hugnkiz. Be sure to use the secret code phrase “I want to see the leather boys” and she will know it’s from you. She does not know who you are or why you are calling, but she knows it is of the utmost importance.

Enclosed you will find a picture of me taken recently and my driver’s license. I hope this is of help to you. Onward, Christian solider!

Bah bah bah bah I’m luvin’ it,

Thaddeus R. Bluff

And just to be a sport, I included my photos of me and my driver’s license.

First is the very handsome photo of me…

And this scanned photo of my driver’s license.

Sadly, it has been about a week now and I  have yet to hear from my Business Lover Partner. But once I do, you better believe I am closing this blog down and living the high life! Soon I’ll be having drunken exploits plastered on the front page of TMZ! We’re movin’ on up!

May the Fourth Be With You….

….and also with you. Due to tomorrow (or today, depending on when you are reading this) being May the Fourth or International Star Wars Day, I am re-posting this blog entry I did on my previous blog. Please enjoy.

Christianity’s biggest threat: Christians

If you’ve been following the news lately, you’ve seen that there has been a surge of suicides in gay teens. It seems one can hardly turn on the news anymore without hearing a horrible tale of a young life snuffed out of it’s prime due to bullying and just general harassment. It’s a horrible trend and I whole-heartedly approve of the “It Gets Better” campaign to help these teens. It’s so sad that these kids feel they have no other alternative to life than to take it with their own hands. Absolutely soul crushing.

But then I found an article written by a man identifying himself as a Christian. I’m not going to link the article, nor name the author, because I honestly don’t want to give him any more attention, but I’m sure if you poke around on Google you could find it. Anyway, this gentleman goes on to say that the gay teen suicide spike isn’t such a big deal, as opposed to Christians who have killed themselves due to being “harassed by homosexual activists.” He then goes on to list eight cases where Christians were either bullied, harassed or just downright intimidated. I admit, as I read the article, I was starting to wonder if there was another side to this over-all story. But the tail end of the article caught my attention..

“These eight cases are all true except for one thing: The Christians who were bullied by gays and gay activists are all still alive. Not a single one has committed suicide.”

So yes, you read that right. His argument boils down to “Gay people tease and harass Christians to the point of suicide. Except they didn’t, and yet somehow my point still stands.”

Umm…what? Seriously, this confuses me, but it illustrates my point that the greatest threat to Christianity is actually Christians themselves.

If I may take a step back here, I’d also like to clarify that this blog entry isn’t so much a “everyone should be like me” deal but more of a “let’s take this journey together.” As a Christian, I’d grade myself a D-, at best. So please don’t think I’m trying to preach from some ivory altar and guide people to where I am. Now that we’ve established that, let’s get back to the show.

“But Mr. Zissman,” you might say “how can you possibly defend Christianity considering all the horrible things it has done in the past and present?” Well that’s easy, I can’t defend it. I can’t defend Fred Phelps, or abortion clinic bombings, other than to say they do not have Christ’s message in their hearts and minds.

Look at it this way…think of a Christianity as a lightsaber.

In the hands of a Jedi, the lightsaber represents truth, justice and peace. In the hands of Obi-Wan Kenobi or Luke Skywalker, it protects the weak and the poor and helps bring light to the galaxy. However, if a lightsaber is wielded by Darth Vader or Darth Maul, it represents misery, hate and pain. The lightsaber itself has not changed: it still hums, it still glows, it still looks wicked awesome. BUT what has changed is how it’s wielded and for what purpose. Christianity works the same way.

When lightsabers were first created in the Star Wars universe, their first intention was for good. However, when the Dark Jedi discovered lightsabers, they found a way to enforce their views through intimidation and fear. In essence, the original intention of the lightsabers had been corrupted. In fact, many people actually feared the Jedi due to the actions of the Sith, simply lumping the two together. Well, I’m here to say that not all Christians are Sith Lords.

I’d also like to think part of this poor public perception boils down to the media. Now again, let me make myself clear: I’m not going to say there is some sort of sinister liberal/progressive plan to overthrow Christianity because I simply don’t believe it. Rather, I blame the media because sensationalism sells. “If it bleeds, it leads” as the saying goes. Imagine you’re a producer of a prime-time news show. Which segment do you think would get the most ratings?

LOCAL CHRISTIAN STUDIES BIBLE, DONATES TO CHARITIES, VOLUNTEERS AT SOUP KITCHEN

or

REV. ARCHIBALD NOTGAY CONDEMNS SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS FOR BEING PART OF ‘INSIDIOUS HOMOSEXUAL AGENDA’

Again, if the producer chose B it wouldn’t be out of trying to smear Christianity, but rather it’s got more pizzaz than Option A. Let’s be real, Option A is rather boring, at least news wise. But Christians aren’t the only ones getting this treatment, as I firmly believe Muslims are as well. Once more, let’s look at possible news headlines.

LOCAL MUSLIM PRAYS, FASTS AND READS KORAN. WORKS 9 TO 5, PAYS BILLS ON TIME, DRIVES A LEXUS.

or

DEPARTMENT OF DEFENSE WARNS OF ANOTHER POSSIBLE-SORTOF-MAYBE-KINDOF-ALMOST-TERRORIST ATTACK. TERROR ALERT HAS BEEN RAISED TO LIGHT BEIGE

See what I mean?

This is a problem, and the only solution (I feel) is to keep on keeping on. You won’t win anyone over by street corner preaching, but instead following Christ’s example of humility, peace and charity. As Rob Bell (one of my favorite theologians) once said: “Why blame the dark for being dark? It’s far more helpful to ask why the light isn’t as bright as it could be.” This is a good point.

Let’s go back to the Star Wars analogies. There will always be the Force, and there will always be two sides of it: Light and Dark. For every Luke Skywalker, you have a Darth Vader. For every Darth Bane, you have a Yoda. As much as it pains me, I do not see an earthly world where the light is the only source. So instead of complaining about the darkness, instead of blaming others for being in the darkness, why not simply be as bright as you can? Try simple acts of kindness, try listening to someone hurting or who is in pain, teach your kids not to bully or hate and focus on being the best Christian YOU can be, instead of expecting people to join you in lock step conformity to your own personal beliefs.

Christ’s message will never be spread via finger-pointing and name calling, but rather through faith, love and humility. Just like a Youngling trains to become a Padawan and then trains to be a Jedi (more Star Wars metaphors!) let’s train ourselves to be some sort of spiritual Jedi. We’re all in this together.