From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Archive for the ‘Rant’ Category

HAIL THE DARK SODA LORDS

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In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, The Mayor of New York is a huge dumb-ass.

So tonight I went down to 7-11 to get some candy and soda out of pure spite and picked up the XL Can of beloved Sweet Nectar. However, as I sipped the forbidden sweetness, a terrible change happened in me. As Mayor Bloomberg’s words echoed through my brain, I decided to tweet him as my life underwent a terrible, horrible change. The following are the actual tweets I sent.

And so it begins….

How could this happen to me? I’ve made my mistakes! Got nowhere to ruuuuunnnnnnn

The plot thickens…

A BLOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLA BLOO

Why won’t anyone help me?

Something seems to be going wrong here….

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We can’t drink here! This is Bloomberg country!

Listening to Justin Bieber also has the same effect on me

It wasn’t that bad. I did get to second base!

No beer and no TV make Homer SOMETHING SOMETHING

i need somebody

BLOOMBERG WAS RIGHT! SODA IS BAD FOR YOU!

17 OZ IS JUST TOO MUCH, YOU GUYS

At 5 cents a bottle, my throne of Skulls and Bottles should net me a nice chunk of change

HAIL SODA!

Starting to run out of witty captions

I HAVE NEW SOCKS ON

AND SO ENDS OUR STORY

So yeah, listen to Mister Bloomberg, kids. He knows what’s best for you. Not you nor your parents, but some incredibly rich white dude whom you’ll probably never meet.

Oh and did you like what you read? THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, HUH? YOU SOME KINDA SOCIALIST, PUNK?!

Y KANT GIRLS READ

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Being a two-time state advertising co-champion, I know a thing or two about marketing. The whole point of marketing is to make money and you make money by convincing people to exchange their money for your product, good or service. The more people you appeal to, the more money you make. Seems simple, right? And yet, for some, the mere concept of mass appeal seems so foreign and strange. No more is this prevalent than the comic book industry, especially towards women. Granted, the industry has always been viewed as a Boy’s Club, but studies have shown an increasing number of women reading comic books. In fact, a recent informal survey on Facebook of over a million comic book readers revealed that roughly a quarter of them are women and that number is growing. And yet there seems to be a large disconnect between publishers and female readers.

One infamous example of this disconnect is DC’s recent approach to one of their more popular characters, Starfire. For you non-comic fans, allow me to give you a quick summary: Starfire is an alien warrior princess from the planet Tamaran and was a well-known member of the super-group called Teen Titans. As her character grew older in the comics, she eventually out-grew the Titans and went solo, where she faded into obscurity and disappeared into the background. Besides making a cameo here and there, she didn’t have much of a presence in the DC Universe.

Classic Starfire

But when Cartoon Network launched an anime-inspired cartoon series based on the Teen Titans, Starfire’s popularity exploded due to her animated alter-ego. The popularity of the Titans increased so much, that DC re-launched the Teen Titans comic book after years of cancellation solely because of the cartoon show. The show itself drew a range of ages, but served as a good entry point for a younger generation into comic books. Animated Starfire was friendly, strong, loved her friends and wanted nothing more than for everyone to get along.

Animated Starfire

Like all good shows, Cartoon Network cancelled Teen Titans and comic book Starfire went about her ways. Eventually, DC Comics held a massive event in their comic books called New 52. Long story short, due to some shenanigans involving the superhero the Flash, time travel and your usual comic book logic, the entire DC universe was essentially rebooted. They had a fresh, clean slate to work with and brought in tons of creative talent to usher in a new era of their creative properties. Again, Marketing 101 says they would take this ball and run with it and they did, with Superman and Batman getting excellent teams and stories to work with. Oh and Starfire?

what

If you can’t figure it out, Starfire’s decides to sleep with fellow ex-Teen Titan member Arsenal (aka Speedy, former side-kick of the Green Arrow) because of REASONS. No real character development, no real method or anything. Just “lol sex” for the sake of sex. I think David Willis, creator of popular webcomics Shortpacked! and Dumbing of Age, summed it up best in this strip.

Or, even better, fantasy author Michele Lee had a conversation with her then-7 year old daughter about Starfire’s sexy reboot. You can read it here. 

By pushing towards hormonal young men in readership, you’re missing out on a huge wide market. You’re limiting yourself in terms of money, readership and endangering anyone coming back to buy future issues. Granted, after constant complaints, DC and the industry itself have made some attempts to bring in more female readers, but lately it seems these attempts have been half-assed, at best.

And it’s not just Starfire getting this treatment, as female characters from other titles and companies are drawn in, shall we say, creative ways…

Clearly the chain-mail thong barely covering her ass will protect from the nefarious barbarian Hans McButtstab

WHERE DO HER ORGANS GO?!

Oh Rob Liefeld, you wonderful scamp!

I know plenty of women whose vaginas are perfectly outlined under their clothing and who constantly walk around on their tip toes

"Behold my THINGS and despair, mortals."

One of the worst aspects of this whole debacle is that it’s even a debate at all! It’s common sense: treat female comic book characters with the same respect and intelligence you would a male. But fanboys will be fanboys, and due to the anonymous power of the internet,  fanboys hiding behind screen names have threatened female comic book fans with rape and violence! It’s utterly ridiculous and insane. If done properly, you wouldn’t notice a change with the male characters and yet the fanboys have armed themselves with verbal slings and arrows, ready to attack anyone who wishes to harm their precious stash.

I’m a comic book fan and I want this industry to survive. I want comic books to continue to be an entertaining medium for many more generations to come. I want to be able to sit down with my future son or daughter and revel in the exploits of Starfire or Batman or Captain America or anybody. But if the industry continues to hope to ride a tsunami of testosterone to the bank, they’re going to find that it will only get you so far. Mass appeal means just that, MASS appeal. As in the masses. As in, including females too.

In the end, the future of comics rests in the hands of the readers and the readers will only buy what they like. Treat them with respect and they will treat you with respect with their pocketbooks.

Written by MrZissman

04/30/2012 at 4:00 PM

TOP 5 UNAMERICAN SOCIALIST FREEDOM HATING LIST OF ANTI-AMERICAN FREEDOM VALUES (9/11!!)

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Kudos to the good folks at Fox News for, once again, exposing a grave threat to the everyday freedoms we AMERICANS enjoy so much. After blowing the lid of the hidden MARXIST agendas of The Muppets and the Lorax, the flag-waving patriots over at Jesus’ favorite network exposed yet another horrible threat: GLEE. Yes, that show featuring actors in the 30+ age-range desperately trying to pretend they’re 17 and singing ham-fisted auto-tuned glossy covers of popular pop and rock hits is actually a hidden window into SOCIALISM.

Now normally, I would explain my disapproval with this, but as I took a good look around me, I realized that they were right! Yes, I was blind to it, but now I see that we are SURROUNDED by THEM! No, no, not THEM!, but THEM. You know, other people. I did a bit of investigation and uncovered more Marxist subliminal messages into today’s children media. Be warned, my friends. What you are about to read is shocking to its very core…

5) DORA THE EXPLORER – We’ve already read Glenn Beck’s hard-hitting exposé about the evils of Dora the Explorer, but I’ve discovered an evil deeper level never-before-seen. First off. how do we know Dora is even LEGAL? Have we actually SEEN her BIRTH CERTIFICATE? She’s often given free-roam with a talking monkey (clearly an allegory for Darwinism if there ever was one) and runs wild over the American landscape. Funny how she never has her immigration papers in her backpack, isn’t it? Notice too that if you re-arrange the letters in ‘DORA’ you get ‘ROAD’ and we must ask, a ROAD to what? I doubt it’s anything good.

4) BLUE’S CLUES – Are you ready for the shocking truth, my friends? Blue is a GIRL! A WOMAN! And yet she is colored a masculine hue of blue. Back in my day, blue was a BOY’S color and now we see it being tainted by anti-Heterosexual threats. If this isn’t a frontal assault on your child’s sexuality, I don’t know what is! How else can you explain the fact it’s a DOG? Think about THAT for a second, why don’t you? Plus, why is Steve talking to objects like salt and pepper shakers and a mailbox? Clearly, he is a drug user. Shameful and disgraceful.

3) POKEMON – They evolve! We know Rikachu was created, not evolved! (How does a Moonstone even work? You can’t explain that!) Through random acts of violence, these ‘creatures’ evolve into more powerful forms of their earlier selves. Plus, with almost yearly releases, it’s a near constant stream of mind-warping Communism. Don’t believe me? Pokemon comes from Japan, and Japan is similar to China and China is COMMUNIST. It’s right there in front of you, folks. Not to mention the latest issues of “Pokemon Black” and “Pokemon White” are clear attempts at inducing a race war. Hence why the only people capable of preventing this race war are rich, white, middle-age uber-conservative men.

2) SUPERMAN – Remember when Superman renounced his American citizenship? Well, my friends, I’m afraid the PINHEADS at DC Comics have taken their Communist views a step further. For starters, has it never occurred to anyone that Superman is an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?! We’re just supposed to accept and understand that a man in blue spandex from ANOTHER PLANET suddenly has the best ideas on how to save America? Um, hello? Have you ever heard of RONALD REAGAN? And he was born in the Good OL’ USA, not Marxist Krypton!

1) SESAME STREET – Filth upon filth! Lies upon lies! Where do I even begin with this train wreck? Let’s take the first example: sharing. No one actually owns any property or items on this so-called ‘show’ when in fact, they share everything. JUST LIKE A COMMUNIST WOULD. Need more proof? Their most popular character, Elmo, is RED! RED COMMIE ALERT! And we’re supposed to believe that giant birds and elephants can suddenly talk? Darwinism at it’s finest, folks. And have you seen their so-called Pinball song, the one that teaches kids to count to 12? You know who else used Math? That’s right…

Image

….he used math all the time and look what happened with him! Do you really want that happening with your kids?

I’m honestly scared, you guys. I had no idea there were so many threats to the USA! We must shut-down everything not-Fox News related, buy as many gold coins as possible and donate money to Sarah Palin. Why? Because freedom, that’s why! Be warned. The dark times are coming.

Written by MrZissman

04/23/2012 at 4:37 PM

TOP 10 WAYS TO PLEASE YOUR MAN

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Ah yes, Spring is quickly approaching. The birds chirp sweet odes of pure affection in the warm air, the bees buzz merrily as they hop from flower to flower, and as a Conservative politician has anonymous gay sex with a call boy whom he will never love, it’s clear that the mood is right for romance.

*MUAH* Mr. Zissman loves you!

Now during my Kwai Chang Caine-like wanderings through this vast digital-binary wasteland, I stumbled across THIS article on Cracked.com. Before you go any further, I strongly urge anyone involved in any kind of sexual relationship to read it, especially if you are a man. I’ll wait.

Back? HORRIBLE, ISN’T IT?! I mean, there’s probably a whole litany of poor guys who have been subjected to these diabolical tips. THE HUMANITY! Still, my curiosity got the best of me and the temptation for some exposure won me over, so I decided to create my list of cringe-inducing sex ‘tips’ for Cosmo. So Cosmo Ladies, if you are paying attention, let Dr. Love whip out his prescription pad and prescribe some love.

10) THE APOLLO 13 – Janet, 27, loves this one! While on top of her boyfriend, she leans in and whispers ‘Houston, we have a problem!’ and lights him on fire. This will put his pod into orbit, ladies!

9) MAXWELL’S SILVER HAMMER – Eleanor, 66, uses this little trick to spice up her love life. “Right before he climaxes, I bring my silver hammer down upon his head.” Doot dooh dooh dooh.

8) THE ROCKSTAR – Beth, 76, likes to kick things up a notch with this little number. “Just when he’s naked and ready to go, I scream ‘GOODNIGHT CLEVELAND, WE LOVE YOU!’ and smash a Flying V on his man-bits.” That’ll crank his amp up to 11!

7) THE BLUE SHELL – Peach, 27, likes this little diddy when behind her man in a passionate embrace. “I don’t like to him to finish first, so when I’m behind him, I throw a blue turtle shell to slow him down.” PRESS START for fun!

6) THE METALLICA – Sral, 49, really enjoys this handy tip. “Right when my partner climaxes, I scream ‘RIDE THE LIGHTNING!’ and hook jumper cables up to his nipples.” Looks like this guy found the “One”!

5) THE LYNCH – Betty, 44, loves to please her man with this hot tip! “I like to make love while wearing a scuba mask while my husband is dressed like Ronald Reagan. A clown sits in the corner and cries softly. This is filmed in black and white with the looping sound of a dog barking plays over and over.” Umm…what?

4) THE HOUSE – Lisa, 45, enjoys playing doctor with her special guy! “When we’re fooling around, I down an entire bottle of Vicodin and then do reckless surgery while constantly making sarcastic, belittling remarks.” Sounds like THE MOST SHOCKING CASE EVER!

3) THE A-ROD – Dee-Dee, age-withheld, enjoys this sweet number. “Basically, I demand to be paid $65 million and then do nothing of any real value.” Talk about a Yankee Doodle Dandy!

2) THE HULKSTER – Terri, 21, loves to get physical in the bedroom. “A few nights ago, my boyfriend and I were making out on the couch and things were getting kinda hot and heavy. So I felt kinda kinky and hit him with a steel chair, nailed him with the Big Boot and then dropped the leg for the 1-2-3, brother!” TWIN REFEREES!

1) THE GRAVE DIGGER – Megan, 19, loves to burn rubber, if you know what we mean! “My boyfriend and I were getting really nasty one night in the backseat of his Dodge, so I slyly excused myself to go ‘freshen up’, only to smash over his car with a 12,000 lb, 1,500 horsepower, 11 foot tall monster truck.” Sounds like a kinky trick for any day of the week, not just SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY.

So Cosmo, please hire me! True, I may be Vaginally Impaired, but I’m sure my list of painful, grotesque and just generally down-right humiliating sexual methods just may be the spice you’re looking for! CALL ME!

Written by MrZissman

02/20/2012 at 10:58 PM

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE: Day 17 – A Song You Hear Often on the Radio

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I’m baaaaaaaaaaack! Sorry for the hiatus, but I was getting kinda burned out on these and decided to take a few day breather. In the meantime, I pursued some venues which I hope will give this blog the exposure it so rightfully desires.

For starts, I am now a member of Goodblogs and have posted an entry that you can get access to by CLICKING THESE MAGICAL WORDS WHICH WILL TRANSPORT YOU TO A LAND OF MAKE-BELIEVE AND GUM-DROP UNICORN KISSES. When you visit this website, be sure to register an account (it’s free and takes less than 5 minutes) and click the LIKE button in the left hand side. If I can get enough likes clicked, my blog goes to the front page and I get $20! Neat, huh?

Secondly, I am now a contributing writer to FindYourGeek.com which seems to be a pretty cool website. I’m spoken for, obviously, so it’s not going to work out, but if you’re a single nerd looking for that special someone to download bootleg anime with or argue about DC vs Marvel while having an intense sexy-time session, well, this is the place to go. My first article is a review of the new Captain America movie. CLICK THIS LINK, SOLIDER. FOR AMERICA!

Now, on with the show.

“E.T.” ~ Katy Petty feat. Kanye West

Look, I won’t lie, I like Katy Perry. I think she’s cute, I like her songs and think she has a nice voice. I also like Kanye West and yes, I am fully aware of the “I’ma let you finish…” fiasco he did several years ago. I think he’s one of the most talented lyricists out now and his latest album is just completely brilliant. So you would think putting Kanye and Katy together on a song would be gold, right? Wrong. “E.T” was a strong contender for song I hate, but was barely edged out by His Bieberness.

Anyway, as much as I disliked the song, apparently the rest of the world loved it because EVERY. SINGLE. STATION. played this song in their rotation, often several times a day. It was torture. I couldn’t stand her voice in the song, not to mention Kanye’s rhymes were just terrible. “Tell me what’s next/Alien sex!

what

Thankfully, the radio has replaced it with her latest single “Last Friday Night” which is a thousand times better. Occasionally a radio station will play “E.T”, but it’s starting to fade away. And that’s a good thing. Not only is  “Friday Night” better, but it had Clarence (of Bruce Springsteen fame) absolutely dominating it on the saxophone.

But back to “E.T”, it’s just awful. Horrible. And yet it was on near constant loop, like a Satan’s iPod playlist. It’d be in the playlist called “SONGS TO TORTURE FORNICATORS TO” But hey, at least it’s not “Baby”

Written by MrZissman

07/28/2011 at 10:44 AM

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE: Day 16 – A Song That You Used to Love But Now Hate

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Man, I was so into Rage Against the Machine back in the day. Don’t get me wrong, I still like them today, but back In The Day, I was really into them. I was raging against any type of political machine and was a loud supporter of Ralph Nader. I even voted for him in the 2000 Presidential elections. (Sorry, Al. I owe you one, buddy.) So imagine my heartbreak when Rage broke up. Those were bummer times, man.

But then they reformed with (then) former Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell, all seemed right with the world. True, it lacked the volatile “SCREW EVERYTHING!” message I was so in tune with, but I was happy to at least enjoy some form of their music. They formed under the name “Audioslave” and their first album was pretty good, especially the first single “Cochise.” Man, I loved that song.

But then a funny thing happened.

Chad Crider happened.

See, Chad is my good buddy/heterosexual life partner/former co-worker and we stay homies till this day. Chad is a fan of great music and he too enjoys the musical stylings of Audioslave, especially “Cochise.” So when he sat at his desk at work (which was right next to mine) he would play ‘Cochise.” And then he would play it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. It was like The Telltale Heart, but with electric guitar. I wanted to rip the CD out of his PC and scream “Here lies the squealing of the hideous guitar!”

But that’s not all, folks. No, no, you’ll soon understand why just the mere rhythm of this song will send me huddled into corner. Chad happened to enjoy gyros from our local (and let’s face, it Mansfield’s only) Greek restaurant. To say their gyros are delicious is to state that the sun is warm or water is moist. These are no ordinary gyros, but rather hand-crafted culinary masterpieces that seem to have descended from the golden hills of Flavor Mountain. Imagine if Thor found a lesser gyro and, growing angry like a god does, brought down the full fury of Odin on this poor gyro. He then used the Odinforce to forge a delicious combination of meat and pita bread, the likes of which man has never seen nor will see again.

Now Chad loved the gyros, we know this to be true. But in truth, the gyros did not love him. No, after about an hour of returning from lunch, a terrible ball of gas and suffering would begin to brew in Chad’s stomach. A vile, noxious concoction of olfactory punishing aromas that seemed to have wafted from the very anus of Beelzebub. Chad would listen to “Cochise” on endless repeat, all the while burping up this hellish gastronomical bio-weapon. Indeed, the fog was so punishing and dense that I’m surprised Homeland Security never arrested the man for possessing a Weapon of Mass-Destruction.

To this day I still can’t listen to this song. It’s like screeching weasels let loose in my brain, furiously clawing at my grey matter. It’s horrible.

So Chad, wherever you are now, crack open a cold Captain Morgan, buddy. Cause Day 16 is dedicated to you.

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE: Day 15 – A Song That Describes You

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“White and Nerdy” ~ Weird AL

NERDS! Listen up, comrades! For too long we have been held in shackles by our trendy oppressors! They have cast stones at us, mocked us, repressed us for refusing to indulge in their decadent ways! But what is it to be done? How shall we free ourselves from those who know not?

WE RISE!

Yes comrades, the time has come for the nerds of the world to unite as one! Far too long we have been divided in foolish skirmishes such as DC vs Marvel, Kirk vs Picard, Hulk vs Superman or even Goku vs Superman. Cannot you see this is a plot by the bourgeoisie Aeropostle rulers? They wish to divide us, so that we may be conquered and unjustly punished. If you prick a mutant, does he not bleed? Does not even the Batman shed a tear?

I speak on to you not as a leader, but as a brother. Now is our time to revolt against those who deny the truth, who have become blinded by their own tainted souls that they lack the jurisdiction to properly rule. Today is a glorious dawning of a new era, one in which Han short first, in which 616 offers a deeper meaning than just numbers, one in which we sit on the throne of righteousness and trade paperbacks!

TODAY IS THE DAY WE RISE!

NERD POWER!

Written by MrZissman

07/20/2011 at 11:33 AM

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