The Legend of Mr. T
It was said that Yoda had three sons to carry on his legacy after he merged with The Infinite. To his first son, he bestowed upon him The Gift of the Chin and this boy grew up to be Bruce Campbell. His second son, he gave the gift of The Roundhouse and that young man grew up to be Chuck Norris.
But his third son, his most prized and precious child, he bestowed upon him The Gift of Pity. Granted, his brothers had chainsaws, boomsticks and Legs of Justice to fight evil and indeed, his third son had amazing strength, so fighting evil would not be a problem for him. But yet, sometimes in life, we run across fools and fools don’t deserve death, but rather they deserve pity. The third son was Mr. T.
Born at the age of five years old, young Mr. T (SIDE NOTE: The ‘T’ is actually shortened for his real name, which I shall not post here. Legend has it that to evoke the full name of The Pitying One shall bring about End of Days.) was taken to a remote temple in the furthest jungles of Northern Michigan. There, he was trained by Yoda, Xena: Warrior Princess, RoboCop and the disembodied ghost of former US President Teddy Roosevelt. Four long years passed as Mr. T was trained in the most deadly of martial arts and mastered the art of Pitying.
On his twelfth birthday, he left the temple to hike the deadly mountains of Titicaca and challenge the mighty dire-dragon, Fing Fang Foom. The battle was legendary and lasted for seven months, but in the end, Mr. T defeated the villainous dragon by hitting him with a Reverse Inverted Dragon-Snap Suplex into a volcano, thereby banishing from the world the foul beast. At that moment, his facial hair and deadly mo-hawk grew on his head, signifying that his journey to manhood had come an end. As he walked down the side of the mountain, he was met by the Force ghost of his proud father, Yoda.
“Ready you are,” he said. “Complete your journey is. Take this. Remind you, it will, of me.” and with that he put the very first gold chain around his neck. Legend has it the each gold chain is actually the soul of a fool who refused T’s act of pity.
Now a man, T left the temple and wandered the country side, blessing those who needed pity and throwing sucka fools hella far. Knowing that the forces of darkness may seek his destruction at any time, he cloaked his activities by filming them with a camera and passing them off as a fictional series. You may know this as The A-Team.
Though he lacks the presence he once had, rest assured that Mr. T is always wandering the countrysides and cities of America, pitying fools, drinking milk, respecting his mama and just generally being awesome. So remember children, the next time you disrespect your mama, fail to say your prayers or do your homework, you’ll have to answer to this man.
And be ready to be thrown hella far.