From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Posts Tagged ‘Chuck Norris

The Legend of Mr. T

with 2 comments

It was said that Yoda had three sons to carry on his legacy after he merged with The Infinite. To his first son, he bestowed upon him The Gift of the Chin and this boy grew up to be Bruce Campbell. His second son, he gave the gift of The Roundhouse and that young man grew up to be Chuck Norris.

But his third son, his most prized and precious child, he bestowed upon him The Gift of Pity. Granted, his brothers had chainsaws, boomsticks and Legs of Justice to fight evil and indeed, his third son had amazing strength, so fighting evil would not be a problem for him. But yet, sometimes in life, we run across fools and fools don’t deserve death, but rather they deserve pity. The third son was Mr. T.

Born at the age of five years old, young Mr. T (SIDE NOTE: The ‘T’ is actually shortened for his real name, which I shall not post here. Legend has it that to evoke the full name of The Pitying One shall bring about End of Days.) was taken to a remote temple in the furthest jungles of Northern Michigan. There, he was trained by Yoda, Xena: Warrior Princess, RoboCop and the disembodied ghost of former US President Teddy Roosevelt. Four long years passed as Mr. T was trained in the most deadly of martial arts and mastered the art of Pitying.

On his twelfth birthday, he left the temple to hike the deadly mountains of Titicaca and challenge the mighty dire-dragon, Fing Fang Foom. The battle was legendary and lasted for seven months, but in the end, Mr. T defeated the villainous dragon by hitting him with a Reverse Inverted Dragon-Snap Suplex into a volcano, thereby banishing from the world the foul beast. At that moment, his facial hair and deadly mo-hawk grew on his head, signifying that his journey to manhood had come an end. As he walked down the side of the mountain, he was met by the Force ghost of his proud father, Yoda.

“Ready you are,” he said. “Complete your journey is. Take this. Remind you, it will, of me.” and with that he put the very first gold chain around his neck. Legend has it the each gold chain is actually the soul of a fool who refused T’s act of pity.

Now a man, T left the temple and wandered the country side, blessing those who needed pity and throwing sucka fools hella far. Knowing that the forces of darkness may seek his destruction at any time, he cloaked his activities by filming them with a camera and passing them off as a fictional series. You may know this as The A-Team.

Though he lacks the presence he once had, rest assured that Mr. T is always wandering the countrysides and cities of America, pitying fools, drinking milk, respecting his mama and just generally being awesome. So remember children, the next time you disrespect your mama, fail to say your prayers or do your homework, you’ll have to answer to this man.

I ain't getting on no plane, Hannibal!

And be ready to be thrown hella far.



leave a comment »


“Young” ~ Hollywood Undead

I…I just don’t know. This beyond terrible, this is uber-terrible. This is not what doves crying sounds like, this is the sound of doves being shoved in a chipper shredder while someone scrapes their nails on a chalkboard in approval. Imagine a thousand dogs locked in a small metal box. Now imagine if that box is heated slowly from the outside, one degree for every minute that has passed. As the dogs wail in pain and misery, it would not even come close to this travesty. You want to try to sing like this? Swallow broken glass and as it tears your esophagus to fleshy ruin, have Chuck Norris deliver a super sonic roundhouse to your vocal chords. As you gurgle up a bloody, painful vomit cocktail of anguish and despair, you would sound only a tenth of Hollywood Undead.


“Always” ~ Erasure

The world seems bleak and barren, a cesspool of torment and shattered hope. Your tears run down your face and everything seems lost and forgotten. You can taste the bitter palette of failure, as your knees begin to wobble and buckle from the crushing weight of stress. You close your eyes and wait for the sweet kiss of everlasting silence, but instead of the swift judgement of the grim reaper, you hear something else.

You hear laughter.

Opening your eyes, you see you are surrounded by thick, rolling hills of greenery. The sky is a most wonderful shade of blue, with trees offering ripe, lush fruit for you to consume. A brilliant rainbow dances across the sky, sparkling as if it were made from diamonds from all the hues of the spectrum. Birds chirp in magical symphonies of delight and wonderment. As you are awestruck by this amazing display of gentleness and joy, a mighty Unicorn steed runs next to you and nuzzles you. At that moment he mind-links with you, filling your gloom with mind-rays of power and positivity.

“Always, I will be with you.” he says.

“Always?” you reply, slightly unsure.

“Always I wanna be with you, and make-believe with you and live in harmony, harmony OHHHH LOOVVVVVEEE.”

Written by MrZissman

07/18/2011 at 1:40 PM

%d bloggers like this: