From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Archive for the ‘Politics’ Category

HAIL THE DARK SODA LORDS

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In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, The Mayor of New York is a huge dumb-ass.

So tonight I went down to 7-11 to get some candy and soda out of pure spite and picked up the XL Can of beloved Sweet Nectar. However, as I sipped the forbidden sweetness, a terrible change happened in me. As Mayor Bloomberg’s words echoed through my brain, I decided to tweet him as my life underwent a terrible, horrible change. The following are the actual tweets I sent.

And so it begins….

How could this happen to me? I’ve made my mistakes! Got nowhere to ruuuuunnnnnnn

The plot thickens…

A BLOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLA BLOO

Why won’t anyone help me?

Something seems to be going wrong here….

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We can’t drink here! This is Bloomberg country!

Listening to Justin Bieber also has the same effect on me

It wasn’t that bad. I did get to second base!

No beer and no TV make Homer SOMETHING SOMETHING

i need somebody

BLOOMBERG WAS RIGHT! SODA IS BAD FOR YOU!

17 OZ IS JUST TOO MUCH, YOU GUYS

At 5 cents a bottle, my throne of Skulls and Bottles should net me a nice chunk of change

HAIL SODA!

Starting to run out of witty captions

I HAVE NEW SOCKS ON

AND SO ENDS OUR STORY

So yeah, listen to Mister Bloomberg, kids. He knows what’s best for you. Not you nor your parents, but some incredibly rich white dude whom you’ll probably never meet.

Oh and did you like what you read? THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, HUH? YOU SOME KINDA SOCIALIST, PUNK?!

TOP 5 UNAMERICAN SOCIALIST FREEDOM HATING LIST OF ANTI-AMERICAN FREEDOM VALUES (9/11!!)

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Kudos to the good folks at Fox News for, once again, exposing a grave threat to the everyday freedoms we AMERICANS enjoy so much. After blowing the lid of the hidden MARXIST agendas of The Muppets and the Lorax, the flag-waving patriots over at Jesus’ favorite network exposed yet another horrible threat: GLEE. Yes, that show featuring actors in the 30+ age-range desperately trying to pretend they’re 17 and singing ham-fisted auto-tuned glossy covers of popular pop and rock hits is actually a hidden window into SOCIALISM.

Now normally, I would explain my disapproval with this, but as I took a good look around me, I realized that they were right! Yes, I was blind to it, but now I see that we are SURROUNDED by THEM! No, no, not THEM!, but THEM. You know, other people. I did a bit of investigation and uncovered more Marxist subliminal messages into today’s children media. Be warned, my friends. What you are about to read is shocking to its very core…

5) DORA THE EXPLORER – We’ve already read Glenn Beck’s hard-hitting exposé about the evils of Dora the Explorer, but I’ve discovered an evil deeper level never-before-seen. First off. how do we know Dora is even LEGAL? Have we actually SEEN her BIRTH CERTIFICATE? She’s often given free-roam with a talking monkey (clearly an allegory for Darwinism if there ever was one) and runs wild over the American landscape. Funny how she never has her immigration papers in her backpack, isn’t it? Notice too that if you re-arrange the letters in ‘DORA’ you get ‘ROAD’ and we must ask, a ROAD to what? I doubt it’s anything good.

4) BLUE’S CLUES – Are you ready for the shocking truth, my friends? Blue is a GIRL! A WOMAN! And yet she is colored a masculine hue of blue. Back in my day, blue was a BOY’S color and now we see it being tainted by anti-Heterosexual threats. If this isn’t a frontal assault on your child’s sexuality, I don’t know what is! How else can you explain the fact it’s a DOG? Think about THAT for a second, why don’t you? Plus, why is Steve talking to objects like salt and pepper shakers and a mailbox? Clearly, he is a drug user. Shameful and disgraceful.

3) POKEMON – They evolve! We know Rikachu was created, not evolved! (How does a Moonstone even work? You can’t explain that!) Through random acts of violence, these ‘creatures’ evolve into more powerful forms of their earlier selves. Plus, with almost yearly releases, it’s a near constant stream of mind-warping Communism. Don’t believe me? Pokemon comes from Japan, and Japan is similar to China and China is COMMUNIST. It’s right there in front of you, folks. Not to mention the latest issues of “Pokemon Black” and “Pokemon White” are clear attempts at inducing a race war. Hence why the only people capable of preventing this race war are rich, white, middle-age uber-conservative men.

2) SUPERMAN – Remember when Superman renounced his American citizenship? Well, my friends, I’m afraid the PINHEADS at DC Comics have taken their Communist views a step further. For starters, has it never occurred to anyone that Superman is an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?! We’re just supposed to accept and understand that a man in blue spandex from ANOTHER PLANET suddenly has the best ideas on how to save America? Um, hello? Have you ever heard of RONALD REAGAN? And he was born in the Good OL’ USA, not Marxist Krypton!

1) SESAME STREET – Filth upon filth! Lies upon lies! Where do I even begin with this train wreck? Let’s take the first example: sharing. No one actually owns any property or items on this so-called ‘show’ when in fact, they share everything. JUST LIKE A COMMUNIST WOULD. Need more proof? Their most popular character, Elmo, is RED! RED COMMIE ALERT! And we’re supposed to believe that giant birds and elephants can suddenly talk? Darwinism at it’s finest, folks. And have you seen their so-called Pinball song, the one that teaches kids to count to 12? You know who else used Math? That’s right…

Image

….he used math all the time and look what happened with him! Do you really want that happening with your kids?

I’m honestly scared, you guys. I had no idea there were so many threats to the USA! We must shut-down everything not-Fox News related, buy as many gold coins as possible and donate money to Sarah Palin. Why? Because freedom, that’s why! Be warned. The dark times are coming.

Written by MrZissman

04/23/2012 at 4:37 PM

Did Glenn Beck rape and murder a young girl in 1990?

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My fellow Americans, I’m sure we can all agree that we are living in dark times. Today is the day that we, as Americans, unite as one voice and cry out to the oppression that shackles us to the bonds of slavery. It is when we combine our forces, arm ourselves (with knowledge) and cry out with the voice of liberty. It is when we ask the burning question…did Glenn Beck rape and murder a girl in 1990?

Because of this, I hereby initiate The 19/90 Project.

Now please, I’m not accusing of Glenn Beck of rape and murder. In fact, I am lead to believe he has never done such a thing. But I can’t help but wonder, since he has failed to deny these allegations against him, what is he trying to hide? If he truly is innocent, why won’t he come out and deny these charges? Why won’t he deny that he raped and murdered a girl in 1990?

Some say that Glenn Beck did in fact rape and murder a girl in 1990. Some say. And in fact, every year there are roughly 150-200 unsolved murders in New York City (where Glenn Beck’s show is aired) and yet Mr. Beck has yet to offer a reasonable alibi for any of these murders. Yet we, as Americans, must reach deep into the souls of our Founding Fathers and ask, if in fact these allegations are false, why hasn’t he taken the simple step of denying them? It would seem very prudent to deny them if he were innocent. What is he trying to hide? Mr. Beck, I urge you, as a fellow American, to stop hiding behind your army of lawyers and simply confirm or deny that you raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

But, my friends, I urge you to heed with caution and not get carried away. After all, all it takes is one person to completely ruin our revolution. So now let’s be reasonable. There are plenty of reasons that don’t involve raping and murdering a girl in 1990 that might be why Glenn isn’t releasing his legal records. I mean, it’s entirely possible that what he is really worried about coming to light is that Glenn Beck supplied the ammonium nitrate and detonators to Timothy McVeigh before the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.

I mean, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Truth be told though, I find the main-stream media’s (MSM) complete silence on the matter rather disturbing. This kind of “journalism” is not what our Founding Fathers wanted when they established this country as a Christian nation. Why aren’t they tasking the tough questions about the fact that Glenn Beck maybe raped and murdered a girl in 1990? I’m simply asking for evidence to prove that Glenn Beck did not rape and murder a girl in 1990.

Again, let’s look at the FACTS…

FACT: In 1990, there were many GIRLS.

FACT: In 1990, there was Glenn Beck.

FACT: Many hard-working Americans are wondering if Glenn Beck did rape and murder a young woman in 1990.

FACT: The MSM has not investigated whether or not Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, despite many people wondering if it’s true.

Is there anyone out there refuting these FACTS?

Now for those of you who are just joining us, we are asking the question if Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990? Let me explain it with the marker board…

It makes perfect sense, really

It makes perfect sense, really

Make sense? Good.

See, here’s the thing, I was doing some research today and came across some disturbing evidence. I warn you, what I am going to show you may disturb you to your very core. As we know, Glenn Beck is the author of several books. I was looking at these titles, when I noticed a horrible pattern…

The Real America: Messages from the Heart and Heartland

An Inconvenient Book

Glenn Beck’s Common Sense: The Case Against an Out-of-Control Government, Inspired by Thomas Paine

As you can see, this clearly spells RAPE. Is this just a coincidence or perhaps part of something more sinister? Regardless, the red-blooded, freedom loving people of America deserve an answer as to whether or not Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

I need you to get as much information on Glenn Beck and rape and 1990, burn it to CD and then immediately delete it from your computer. Do not be afraid, my fellow Americans, as we surround Glenn Beck and his alleged raped and murder of a girl in 1990. Only by banding together will we bring America back to its glory days, which was over 200+ years ago. Then, and only then, will we be welcome into the warm, loving bosom of our Founding Fathers.

Written by MrZissman

09/13/2009 at 5:31 PM

Taste you can believe in

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Today I received a phone call from a phone number with a 202 area code. My cell phone’s caller ID not only shows me the number, but what city the caller is from as well. This one, apparently, happened to be Washington D.C. and after doing a quick Google search, I discovered it was a scam meant to rip of college students.

Needless to say, this broke my heart. Seeing a phone number from Washington D.C. made me think my homie B-Rock “The Islāmic Shock” Obama was calling me to invite me over for a beer. (I did vote for him, so he at least owes me that.) But no, it was some slimy ass scum bag scammers. And besides, I don’t drink beer and would probably ask B-Rock to bring me a Pepsi instead.

But this got me to thinking….Pepsi would be a wonderful way for B-Rock to stimulate the economy! Simply take all the money used for bailouts and Cash For Clunkers and instead build several big-ass Pepsi factories in states hit hardest by the recession. (ex: Ohio, Michigan, California, etc.) And all these Pepsi factories will only make Pepsi Blue, Pepsi Throwback and Crystal Pepsi. These brands ONLY.

Next I thought me and B-Rock could just split a 24-party pack, but then people would accuse him of being a dictator. So then I thought we would split some of it with random peeps in D.C., but then people would think he’s a Socialist! UGH. So I figured let’s go all capitalist on this and CHARGE people! You’d have to hire people to build the factories, and then hire people to work in them, and distribute them to the country. People collect a paycheck, they spend their money, money goes back into the economy.

Plus, this works out cause I miss Pepsi Blue and Crystal Pepsi and Pepsi Throwback should be a 24/7 brand, not some random seasonal crap. We could even get Sammy Hager to come out of retirement and sing “Right Now” to a Pepsi commercial.

RIGHT NOW….OVER 10,000 JOBS ARE BEING CREATED

RIGHT NOW….CRYSTAL PEPSI IS COMING BACK

RIGHT NOW…AMERICA IS GETTING A TASTE IT CAN BELIEVE IN

So Obama, if some chance you happen to stumble across my blog, PLEASE give me a call and let’s do this, man. We can do this, home skillet. It is a taste that I believe in.

Written by MrZissman

08/18/2009 at 12:55 AM

Joker Obama is stupid and you are stupid for liking it

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I’m sure that by now, many of you have seen the Socialist Obama picture that has been floating around on the internet and now starting to make it’s way into the “real world.” For those not in the know, this is what it looks like….(click to make bigger)

WAIT TILL THE GUYS AT THE RON PAUL CLUB SEE THIS! LOLOLOLLLL

WAIT TILL THE GUYS AT THE RON PAUL CLUB SEE THIS! LOLOLOLLLL

What started off as a lame photoshop job has now gone viral and is springing up all over the internet and now can be found printed up and sticking on your local telephone pole. (TRUE FACT: I passed at least two of these while leaving after getting my hair cut.)

I’m not sure where I could even begin to describe how ridiculous these posters are. First off, if we’re going to compare Obama to Heath Ledger’s Joker, we need to look at Ledger’s character. In The Dark Knight, we see that the Joker is far from a socialist, but actually a violent anarchist.

“It’s not about money… it’s about sending a message. Everything burns!”

Joker’s whole point was that to classify such things as “good” or “evil” was foolish. He believed that everyone would gladly sell their souls if it meant for only a moment of comfort.

“You see, their morals, their code, it’s a bad joke. Dropped at the first sign of trouble. They’re only as good as the world allows them to be. I’ll show you. When the chips are down, these… these civilized people, they’ll eat each other.”

And that was the Joker’s point throughout all of the movie. That morals are weak and people only cling to them to make themselves feel better. He saw himself “ahead of the curve” and in his mind, wasn’t evil. That right there is the biggest difference, even between the most whack job of tin foil hat theories. If they believe Obama secretly wants to ruin America, then they really can’t use the Joker as a comparison. The Joker, in the most basic of sense, did not want to ruin Gotham, but rather to free them from their preconceived notions of justice and right and wrong. Far from what this poster is accusing.

Next, we need to take a look at where this poster originated from. Doing a bit of research, it looks like the poster originated with Alex Jones, who runs crack pot websites like InfoWars.com or PrisonPlanet.com. (You can buy JOKER OBAMA tee-shirts off his website.) Who is Alex Jones exactly? Sit back and think of the most far fetched, unbelievable conspiracy theory you can think. No, seriously think of it. I’ll wait.

….okay, you got one in mind? Chances are, Alex Jones really believes that. Matter of fact, Mr Jones believes…

  • The Branch Davidians were not a cult, but rather a peace-loving religious group. And David Koresh was in no way a pedophile.
  • The government is being run by the Worldwide Masonic Conspiracy, who are in turn run by Satanists.
  • High ranking people, such as George W. Bush and Pope John Paul II are actually a race of inter-dimensional shape shifting space lizards.
  • FEMA is setting up secret death camps where people who disagree with Obama will be thrown into and left to die.
  • Every year our government, and celebrities gather together in a secret camp where they worship the false god Moloch and engage in mock-child sacrifice ceremonies.

STILL not convinced this guy is off his rocker? Watch this or this

But hey, maybe fighting Obama and his FEMA Death Squad™ helps Alex reach his HIDDEN POWER LEVEL?!

I will gladly buy whatever quality OBAMA = TEH JOKER LULZ merchandise this fine man is selling.

But that just brings me to my final point….WAKE UP! Wake up, you protesters, tea baggers, and what not. Do you see the quality of people you are hanging out with? Do you understand what a joke this all is?

Let’s say there are two people who don’t like Obama or his health care reform, Goofus and Gallant. Both of them do not like the health care reform and both of them wish to express their discomfort with it.

Now Gallant reads up on the subject, including a variety of news sources. Gallant attends town hall meetings and politely, intelligently engages in debate using such things as stats, figures and facts.

Goofus dresses up as an 18th century slave owner, makes a crude, misspelled home made sign equating Obama to Hitler and shouts a random string of catch phrases like “9-11 INSIDE JOB! ILLUMINATI! SPACE LIZARDS! FEMA DEATH CAMPS! DEATH PANELS! ACORN! KENYA!”

And nobody wants to be a Goofus, right?

What I’m saying is that, if you want to protest Obama, do so as a respectable, civilized human being and not a puppet being controlled by elite, rich far right wing interests. WAKE UP and realize that you are being lied to! Boycott the Tea Parties, shut off the Fox News and INFORM yourself. Stay away from the Ron Pauls, Rush Limbaughs, Alex Jones and Sean Hannitys of the world. You wanna protest? Do it as a human, as an American and not as a puppet. Cut the strings and then, and only then, will you have real freedom.

Written by MrZissman

08/15/2009 at 6:01 PM

Posted in Politics, Rant

Tagged with , ,

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