HAIL THE DARK SODA LORDS

In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, The Mayor of New York is a huge dumb-ass.

So tonight I went down to 7-11 to get some candy and soda out of pure spite and picked up the XL Can of beloved Sweet Nectar. However, as I sipped the forbidden sweetness, a terrible change happened in me. As Mayor Bloomberg’s words echoed through my brain, I decided to tweet him as my life underwent a terrible, horrible change. The following are the actual tweets I sent.

And so it begins….

How could this happen to me? I’ve made my mistakes! Got nowhere to ruuuuunnnnnnn

The plot thickens…

A BLOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLA BLOO

Why won’t anyone help me?

Something seems to be going wrong here….

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We can’t drink here! This is Bloomberg country!

Listening to Justin Bieber also has the same effect on me

It wasn’t that bad. I did get to second base!

No beer and no TV make Homer SOMETHING SOMETHING

i need somebody

BLOOMBERG WAS RIGHT! SODA IS BAD FOR YOU!

17 OZ IS JUST TOO MUCH, YOU GUYS

At 5 cents a bottle, my throne of Skulls and Bottles should net me a nice chunk of change

HAIL SODA!

Starting to run out of witty captions

I HAVE NEW SOCKS ON

AND SO ENDS OUR STORY

So yeah, listen to Mister Bloomberg, kids. He knows what’s best for you. Not you nor your parents, but some incredibly rich white dude whom you’ll probably never meet.

Oh and did you like what you read? THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, HUH? YOU SOME KINDA SOCIALIST, PUNK?!

TOP 5 UNAMERICAN SOCIALIST FREEDOM HATING LIST OF ANTI-AMERICAN FREEDOM VALUES (9/11!!)

Kudos to the good folks at Fox News for, once again, exposing a grave threat to the everyday freedoms we AMERICANS enjoy so much. After blowing the lid of the hidden MARXIST agendas of The Muppets and the Lorax, the flag-waving patriots over at Jesus’ favorite network exposed yet another horrible threat: GLEE. Yes, that show featuring actors in the 30+ age-range desperately trying to pretend they’re 17 and singing ham-fisted auto-tuned glossy covers of popular pop and rock hits is actually a hidden window into SOCIALISM.

Now normally, I would explain my disapproval with this, but as I took a good look around me, I realized that they were right! Yes, I was blind to it, but now I see that we are SURROUNDED by THEM! No, no, not THEM!, but THEM. You know, other people. I did a bit of investigation and uncovered more Marxist subliminal messages into today’s children media. Be warned, my friends. What you are about to read is shocking to its very core…

5) DORA THE EXPLORER – We’ve already read Glenn Beck’s hard-hitting exposé about the evils of Dora the Explorer, but I’ve discovered an evil deeper level never-before-seen. First off. how do we know Dora is even LEGAL? Have we actually SEEN her BIRTH CERTIFICATE? She’s often given free-roam with a talking monkey (clearly an allegory for Darwinism if there ever was one) and runs wild over the American landscape. Funny how she never has her immigration papers in her backpack, isn’t it? Notice too that if you re-arrange the letters in ‘DORA’ you get ‘ROAD’ and we must ask, a ROAD to what? I doubt it’s anything good.

4) BLUE’S CLUES – Are you ready for the shocking truth, my friends? Blue is a GIRL! A WOMAN! And yet she is colored a masculine hue of blue. Back in my day, blue was a BOY’S color and now we see it being tainted by anti-Heterosexual threats. If this isn’t a frontal assault on your child’s sexuality, I don’t know what is! How else can you explain the fact it’s a DOG? Think about THAT for a second, why don’t you? Plus, why is Steve talking to objects like salt and pepper shakers and a mailbox? Clearly, he is a drug user. Shameful and disgraceful.

3) POKEMON – They evolve! We know Rikachu was created, not evolved! (How does a Moonstone even work? You can’t explain that!) Through random acts of violence, these ‘creatures’ evolve into more powerful forms of their earlier selves. Plus, with almost yearly releases, it’s a near constant stream of mind-warping Communism. Don’t believe me? Pokemon comes from Japan, and Japan is similar to China and China is COMMUNIST. It’s right there in front of you, folks. Not to mention the latest issues of “Pokemon Black” and “Pokemon White” are clear attempts at inducing a race war. Hence why the only people capable of preventing this race war are rich, white, middle-age uber-conservative men.

2) SUPERMAN – Remember when Superman renounced his American citizenship? Well, my friends, I’m afraid the PINHEADS at DC Comics have taken their Communist views a step further. For starters, has it never occurred to anyone that Superman is an ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT?! We’re just supposed to accept and understand that a man in blue spandex from ANOTHER PLANET suddenly has the best ideas on how to save America? Um, hello? Have you ever heard of RONALD REAGAN? And he was born in the Good OL’ USA, not Marxist Krypton!

1) SESAME STREET – Filth upon filth! Lies upon lies! Where do I even begin with this train wreck? Let’s take the first example: sharing. No one actually owns any property or items on this so-called ‘show’ when in fact, they share everything. JUST LIKE A COMMUNIST WOULD. Need more proof? Their most popular character, Elmo, is RED! RED COMMIE ALERT! And we’re supposed to believe that giant birds and elephants can suddenly talk? Darwinism at it’s finest, folks. And have you seen their so-called Pinball song, the one that teaches kids to count to 12? You know who else used Math? That’s right…

….he used math all the time and look what happened with him! Do you really want that happening with your kids?

I’m honestly scared, you guys. I had no idea there were so many threats to the USA! We must shut-down everything not-Fox News related, buy as many gold coins as possible and donate money to Sarah Palin. Why? Because freedom, that’s why! Be warned. The dark times are coming.