From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Posts Tagged ‘Social media

Wolfdog Marketing for Business Sales People (of Business)

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One thing you may not know about me is that I am a marketing man. I’m a two-time DECA (Google it, kids) State Advertising Campaign Co-Champion and a man of business wisdom and knowledge. But when I’m not closing multi-billion dollar deals with global business people, I like to unwind by engaging in my favorite past time, Volcano Grizzly Bear Wrestling. [SIDE NOTE: I competed in the 2012 Invitational Tournament, but finished second, even though I thought I clearly won. I do believe one of the judges was a bit biased, since she was one-quarter Kodiak bear on her Mom’s side.] But after a terrible laceration that left me hospitalized for several days, I decided to retire and go back to my first love, business sales marketing.

It’s because of my love for business sales marketing dollar procedures that I discovered the brilliant Mr. Wolfdog. Mr. Wolfdog, for those of you who don’t know, was hired by Old Spice to be their new Director of Marketing. Now you may not think a wolfdog would know anything about marketing, but you would be wrong. Dead wrong. Mr. Wolfdog demonstrated a powerful knowledge of everything from winning job interviews, hiring employees, to even instructing on how to operate digital computer machines.

But what really drives home the increased synergy value is his debut album of powerful musical odes to business and marketing. Music that will increase your sales and make all the money for you. So much money.

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Released not too long ago, NIGHT BUSINESS will do for marketing what the internet did for cash digital dot com sales. Power moves. I highly suggest anyone with an interest in dollars and line charts download this album (for free, I might add) RIGHT HERE. If you’re still not sold, allow me to offer a break down, track by track.

1)      SYNERGY – The opening track is a great marketing warning shot fired from a sales cannon made of dollars. At first listen, this synth-heavy track may sound ominous, but in fact, that’s just the sound of business. It’s powerful, booming and lets you know this album means business. Dollar business. Marketing. Mr. Wolfdog narrates a spoken word motivational ditty that will ensure your next business meeting is synergized for maximum gain.

2)      STRESSFUL MEETING – For his second track, Mr. Wolfdog slows down the tempo to a nice throwback R&B jam. While a sexy beat seduces your listening ears, Director Wolfdog spins a tale of a stressful meeting and the coping mechanisms combined within. With storytelling abilities worthy of Stephen King, the song manages to be sexy and educational.

3)      BUSINESS CASUAL – Another synth heavy track that sounds like it came from an early 90’s dance club. Mr. Wolfdog lays down the proper protocol for business casual (“Activate khaki pants/Deactivate top button”) while the song’s drum track hits all the right notes. Its hypnotic, but just enough to bring your line graphs up to sales. BOOM. I just sold you this.

4)      BUSINESS LUNCH – “This song is called lunch” is the opening phrase from Mr. Wolfdog. Behind a thumping trance-like track, the furry Director of Marketing combs through his data brain of ideas to recite some of his favorite business lunch food items for digestions. (SPOILER: Meat is involved.) Bring your appetite, because this song will make you hungry. Hungry for KNOWLEDGE. Business knowledge.

5)      PAYDAY – What day is it? No, it’s not Arbor Day. It’s not Judgment Day. It’s not even Daniel Day Lewis. It’s Payday. This musical ode to cash money will fill your business account with Knowledge Dollars. Make a deposit and then withdraw.

6)      BORED AT WORK – We slow things down again as Mr. Wolfdog tickles the ivories for a slower, more sophisticated song. Gone is the beat thumping bravado of the previous tracks and instead we’re whisked away to a delightful after hours club where people wear suits and dresses and strange men offer breath mints in the bathroom. Wolfdog starts off by lamenting about being bored at work, before pivoting into a motivational speech on how to overcome the dreaded workplace boredom.

7)      SPREADSHEETS – We’re back to another sexy R&B jam that’ll arouse your love portfolio and your business acumen at the same time. Wolfdog soulfully and seductively goes on about constructing spread sheets and his desire to see more spread sheets. Turn the lights down, this one is after business hours only.

8)      OVERTIME – Just when you thought Director Mr. Wolfdog had lost his edge, BOOM, he rockets back with a pounding, up-tempo track that sounds like it was written by Meatloaf from the original ‘Bat out of Hell’ sessions. This adrenaline fueled rocket-ship to the board room sings of a cash grabbing over-time session and the financial benefits contained within. Big money. Big profit.

9)      ELEVATORS – The final track of this album is also the longest, but features the least amount of Wolfdog. That’s fine, because we have a slower song that sounds like it came from Radiohead’s “OK Computer” era. A song dedicated to elevators. Listen.

If this hasn’t convinced you to download this album, then all hope is lost. Forever you will be shunned as an outcast, forced to wear a shameful badge of humiliation as your lies gather around your head like a crown made of iron. You had a choice and your chose to ignore it and now your end has come. Or you could download the album and increase your business sales marketing profit margins.

In short, whether you’re human male or human female, or business activated wolfdog, this album will speak into your soul. Your wallet will burst, your tears will flow and your life will forever be changed. Marketing.

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Written by MrZissman

03/20/2013 at 7:32 PM

Glass Houses

with 5 comments

Today I had the privilege of having dinner at my parents, as my mother was making a fish dinner and she knew how big of a seafood eater I am. Hopping into my car, I whisked away on the US-30 with dreams of fish and crab dancing in my head. My mouth was watering with delight as I entered the door to their house, the delightful aroma of fresh fish tickling my nose. My stomach roared with a mighty rumble, as it demanded a sacrifice of only the finest aquatic cuisine.

Like a crazed zombie from a Romero movie, I dug into my plate, my fork surgically slicing the fish platter into bite sized morsels, mixing them with the mashed potatoes and green beans that made a strong supporting act for the Fish Main Event. Mom causally watched Judge Judy as we made small talk, sharing stories and laughing at some of the amusing antics of my young niece. My Dad was heading home from a hard day at work and would soon join us, and by all means and accounts, it seemed like a normal, family gathering.

That is until my Mom dropped a bombshell on me.

It started off innocently enough, with just a simple question, but quickly revealed something that not only hurt me, but made me question a lot of things I held near and dear.

“Are you going to church tomorrow?” she asked. [Tomorrow being Wednesday 11/18/09]

“Probably.” I said, still munching on my delicious fish flesh. “I figure I’ll just stop by here after church and I can ride with you.”

Mom took a heavy sigh as the next words seemed painful for her to say.

“Stephen…I hate telling you this, because I don’t want to push you away from the church, but the Pastor called today asking about you.”

Hesitantly, I rested the fork on the plate with a tiny klink, focusing my attention to my rather sullen looking mother.

“Yeah? What did we have to say?”

“Well, apparently someone from the church found your Facebook, or your blog, or Twitter and said you had pictures of some of the Sunday School children? Well, you didn’t ask the parents permission and this person would like them removed.”

Now honestly, I wasn’t really that upset about their first gesture, as I can understand their concerns for privacy. However, I was more upset that they went to the Pastor about it and the Pastor called my Mom. Couldn’t they have just called me or talked to me in private Wednesday night or Sunday morning? Still, I figured there was no harm done and deleted all the pictures of my Sunday school class. Problem over, right?

Wrong.

See, it turns out there was a second problem to this Anonymous Member’s complaint. Apparently, after reviewing several of my social media websites, they were unhappy with my language and had concerns with “inappropriate words” that I had used. Again, instead of coming to me about it, they decided to go through the Pastor, who instead went through my Mom.

If your brother sins against you, go and show him his fault, just between the two of you. If he listens to you, you have won your brother over. But if he will not listen, take one or two or three witnesses. If he refuses to listen to them, tell it to the church; and if he refuses to listen even to the church, treat him as you would a pagan or a tax collector.” ~ Matthew 18:15-17

Plus, the photos of my Sunday school class were several months old, so for Anonymous Member to find it, they would had to have looked for me on the internet. You just don’t stumble across my social media websites by accident, but rather, a deliberate, and I fear malicious attempt for ‘dirt’, was made to secure gossip about me like a Jr. High cheerleading table.

My social media websites are my personal thoughts shared with the public. They are a complete and separate entity from the church, and in no way reflects poorly upon the church. I will fully admit that I can sometimes rend a potty mouth to my thoughts, but that is between me and God. Like the verse in Matthew says, go to me about it privately if the language on my personal thoughts offend you. If so, I would be willing to sit down and talk to this person about it. However, it gets passed on to somebody, who passes it on somebody who finally tells it to me.  What I say on my social media websites is of no concern to Anonymous Member or, honestly, my Pastor. He/she is free to disagree with me as much as they want, as that is the basic freedoms granted to us by God and the United States. However, I feel it is highly inappropriate to run and “tattle” on me as if this were a wide-eyed kindergarten student telling the teacher that Little Billy said “butt” by the monkey bars.

I’m really hurt by this whole mess and I feel like my moves are now gossip fodder that will become frantic water-cooler-esque talk that will result in the situation being over-blown and grossly magnified way beyond its original proportions. I will be skipping church this Wednesday, as my mother had requested to speak with my Pastor privately about this issue. I do plan to attend on Sunday and am bracing myself for whatever confrontation may take place.

All in all, I hope this can result in a happy ending for both parties involved. I do not wish to leave my church, as I love it dearly, but if my actions outside of the church are going to come into question as second-hand information, I am unsure if this is the place I would want to continue to worship. For now, I just pray about this earnestly and honestly and ask for God’s direction.

Written by MrZissman

11/18/2009 at 12:02 AM

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