From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Posts Tagged ‘New York City

HAIL THE DARK SODA LORDS

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In case you’ve been living under a rock lately, The Mayor of New York is a huge dumb-ass.

So tonight I went down to 7-11 to get some candy and soda out of pure spite and picked up the XL Can of beloved Sweet Nectar. However, as I sipped the forbidden sweetness, a terrible change happened in me. As Mayor Bloomberg’s words echoed through my brain, I decided to tweet him as my life underwent a terrible, horrible change. The following are the actual tweets I sent.

And so it begins….

How could this happen to me? I’ve made my mistakes! Got nowhere to ruuuuunnnnnnn

The plot thickens…

A BLOO BLA BLOO BLOO BLA BLOO

Why won’t anyone help me?

Something seems to be going wrong here….

AAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!

We can’t drink here! This is Bloomberg country!

Listening to Justin Bieber also has the same effect on me

It wasn’t that bad. I did get to second base!

No beer and no TV make Homer SOMETHING SOMETHING

i need somebody

BLOOMBERG WAS RIGHT! SODA IS BAD FOR YOU!

17 OZ IS JUST TOO MUCH, YOU GUYS

At 5 cents a bottle, my throne of Skulls and Bottles should net me a nice chunk of change

HAIL SODA!

Starting to run out of witty captions

I HAVE NEW SOCKS ON

AND SO ENDS OUR STORY

So yeah, listen to Mister Bloomberg, kids. He knows what’s best for you. Not you nor your parents, but some incredibly rich white dude whom you’ll probably never meet.

Oh and did you like what you read? THEN WHY AREN’T YOU FOLLOWING ME ON TWITTER, HUH? YOU SOME KINDA SOCIALIST, PUNK?!

The Glory of the Monster

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I’m a pretty clean-cut guy, for the most part. I rarely drink, I don’t do drugs, and I still have a “Gee, shucks” mid-Western mentality in the ever-cynical New York City. But one of the few vices I allow myself is an almost Behind the Music-esque addiction to energy drinks, or more specifically, Monster. This is a story about my first taste of Monster and the magical, life changing can that made me a better human. It was 2009 and the world was a wild and crazy place. Facebook was just starting its global domination conquest, Obama was enjoying his first year in the White House and I was desperate for something special, something powerful. I was tired, lethargic and needing a powerful roundhouse kick that would set my life to The Next Level. And one day in a Columbus gas station, my eyes laid upon the glory.

The Good Stuff

Adrenachrome?

I’m really not sure what drew me to it first. The large, green M? The gargantuan Goliath can? The BFC initials? To this day, I’ll never know. But I knew, I KNEW I had to have it. As I opened the glass door to the cooler, bathing in the crisp, cool waves of the industrial sized refrigeration unit, I wrapped my fingers around this liquid Mjolnir. Almost immediately I felt a spark of energy charge up my arm, sending my brain into ecstatic vibrations of anticipation. The money couldn’t leave my wallet fast enough and soon I was in my car. Now for those of you who have never graced The Buckeye State, it’s about an hour drive from Columbus to my old stomping grounds of Mansfield and the drive was an agony filled, joyless ride. I was not foolish enough to drink this mighty beverage in my car, for the highway can be a treacherous mine-field of thundering metal and squealing rubber. No, I would need all my reflexes to see through the twilight haze that was quickly darkening, for the sun was setting and soon the Bad Drivers would be out.

The headlights seemed to be cruel, jeering eyes that peered from the eventual inky-blackness of a Mid-Ohio Summer Night, their halogen evil casting taunting flashes of dread and worry. My soul ached to return to my apartment. Finally, like the poor soul in Plato’s Cave Allegory, I was freed from my shackles and no longer had to endure the wicked shadows that danced upon my tender soul. I was home. How quickly I opened the door! How swiftly I bolted my small studio apartment door, shutting myself out from the sinful world outside! With reckless abandon I plopped down in my office chair and held the can aloft before my eyes.

The thin metal was sweating beads of glorious perspiration, the touch of the can so smooth to my fingertips. My hands trembled with emotions as I popped the tab and the delicious aroma of Pure Liquid Satisfaction wafted to my nose, tickling my senses with the highest measurements of euphoria. Nearly breathless, I hoisted the can to my lips and took a sip. And then another. And then another. And then another. At first, nothing happened and my soul ached in despair. Could I have been deceived? Could my hopes have been dashed like the mighty Titanic? I was prepared to weep silently into the deep, dark night when something happened. It was like a rush, a powerful explosion of gamma radiation. As if a thousand screaming eagles were let loose in my blood stream, I felt alive! Colors and sounds approached me with a depth and clarity I had never experienced.

And at that moment, I heard the voice of Odin whisper into my head. “Fear not, my child,” he said “for I am Odin, ruler of Asgard. You have drunk from my royal blood and are One with the Cosmos. Rejoice! For today, are you are among The Worthy”

I say thee "Yay!"

He also gave me this

I finished the rest of the bottle and received very little sleep that night, for I knew my life had been changed. Now, several years later, I find myself loyal to the Monster brand. In fact, I have harvested enough tabs from my conquests to send away for my first Monster shirt. Soon I shall bear the logo of The Sacred Fluid and share upon the world The Truth. For lo, I am but a voice in this Concrete Jungle, but this voice shall ring true and just and spread the glory of Monster. Such is my calling. Such is my destiny.

I can't liivvvvvveeee, if living is without yoooouuuuuuuu

BFFs

Written by MrZissman

05/20/2012 at 9:03 PM

Did Glenn Beck rape and murder a young girl in 1990?

with 8 comments

My fellow Americans, I’m sure we can all agree that we are living in dark times. Today is the day that we, as Americans, unite as one voice and cry out to the oppression that shackles us to the bonds of slavery. It is when we combine our forces, arm ourselves (with knowledge) and cry out with the voice of liberty. It is when we ask the burning question…did Glenn Beck rape and murder a girl in 1990?

Because of this, I hereby initiate The 19/90 Project.

Now please, I’m not accusing of Glenn Beck of rape and murder. In fact, I am lead to believe he has never done such a thing. But I can’t help but wonder, since he has failed to deny these allegations against him, what is he trying to hide? If he truly is innocent, why won’t he come out and deny these charges? Why won’t he deny that he raped and murdered a girl in 1990?

Some say that Glenn Beck did in fact rape and murder a girl in 1990. Some say. And in fact, every year there are roughly 150-200 unsolved murders in New York City (where Glenn Beck’s show is aired) and yet Mr. Beck has yet to offer a reasonable alibi for any of these murders. Yet we, as Americans, must reach deep into the souls of our Founding Fathers and ask, if in fact these allegations are false, why hasn’t he taken the simple step of denying them? It would seem very prudent to deny them if he were innocent. What is he trying to hide? Mr. Beck, I urge you, as a fellow American, to stop hiding behind your army of lawyers and simply confirm or deny that you raped and murdered a girl in 1990.

But, my friends, I urge you to heed with caution and not get carried away. After all, all it takes is one person to completely ruin our revolution. So now let’s be reasonable. There are plenty of reasons that don’t involve raping and murdering a girl in 1990 that might be why Glenn isn’t releasing his legal records. I mean, it’s entirely possible that what he is really worried about coming to light is that Glenn Beck supplied the ammonium nitrate and detonators to Timothy McVeigh before the 1995 Oklahoma City bombing.

I mean, we have to give him the benefit of the doubt.

Truth be told though, I find the main-stream media’s (MSM) complete silence on the matter rather disturbing. This kind of “journalism” is not what our Founding Fathers wanted when they established this country as a Christian nation. Why aren’t they tasking the tough questions about the fact that Glenn Beck maybe raped and murdered a girl in 1990? I’m simply asking for evidence to prove that Glenn Beck did not rape and murder a girl in 1990.

Again, let’s look at the FACTS…

FACT: In 1990, there were many GIRLS.

FACT: In 1990, there was Glenn Beck.

FACT: Many hard-working Americans are wondering if Glenn Beck did rape and murder a young woman in 1990.

FACT: The MSM has not investigated whether or not Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990, despite many people wondering if it’s true.

Is there anyone out there refuting these FACTS?

Now for those of you who are just joining us, we are asking the question if Glenn Beck raped and murdered a girl in 1990? Let me explain it with the marker board…

It makes perfect sense, really

It makes perfect sense, really

Make sense? Good.

See, here’s the thing, I was doing some research today and came across some disturbing evidence. I warn you, what I am going to show you may disturb you to your very core. As we know, Glenn Beck is the author of several books. I was looking at these titles, when I noticed a horrible pattern…

The Real America: Messages from the Heart and Heartland

An Inconvenient Book

Glenn Beck’s Common Sense: The Case Against an Out-of-Control Government, Inspired by Thomas Paine

As you can see, this clearly spells RAPE. Is this just a coincidence or perhaps part of something more sinister? Regardless, the red-blooded, freedom loving people of America deserve an answer as to whether or not Glenn Beck raped and murdered a young girl in 1990.

I need you to get as much information on Glenn Beck and rape and 1990, burn it to CD and then immediately delete it from your computer. Do not be afraid, my fellow Americans, as we surround Glenn Beck and his alleged raped and murder of a girl in 1990. Only by banding together will we bring America back to its glory days, which was over 200+ years ago. Then, and only then, will we be welcome into the warm, loving bosom of our Founding Fathers.

Written by MrZissman

09/13/2009 at 5:31 PM

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