From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

Posts Tagged ‘Facebook

The Glory of the Monster

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I’m a pretty clean-cut guy, for the most part. I rarely drink, I don’t do drugs, and I still have a “Gee, shucks” mid-Western mentality in the ever-cynical New York City. But one of the few vices I allow myself is an almost Behind the Music-esque addiction to energy drinks, or more specifically, Monster. This is a story about my first taste of Monster and the magical, life changing can that made me a better human. It was 2009 and the world was a wild and crazy place. Facebook was just starting its global domination conquest, Obama was enjoying his first year in the White House and I was desperate for something special, something powerful. I was tired, lethargic and needing a powerful roundhouse kick that would set my life to The Next Level. And one day in a Columbus gas station, my eyes laid upon the glory.

The Good Stuff

Adrenachrome?

I’m really not sure what drew me to it first. The large, green M? The gargantuan Goliath can? The BFC initials? To this day, I’ll never know. But I knew, I KNEW I had to have it. As I opened the glass door to the cooler, bathing in the crisp, cool waves of the industrial sized refrigeration unit, I wrapped my fingers around this liquid Mjolnir. Almost immediately I felt a spark of energy charge up my arm, sending my brain into ecstatic vibrations of anticipation. The money couldn’t leave my wallet fast enough and soon I was in my car. Now for those of you who have never graced The Buckeye State, it’s about an hour drive from Columbus to my old stomping grounds of Mansfield and the drive was an agony filled, joyless ride. I was not foolish enough to drink this mighty beverage in my car, for the highway can be a treacherous mine-field of thundering metal and squealing rubber. No, I would need all my reflexes to see through the twilight haze that was quickly darkening, for the sun was setting and soon the Bad Drivers would be out.

The headlights seemed to be cruel, jeering eyes that peered from the eventual inky-blackness of a Mid-Ohio Summer Night, their halogen evil casting taunting flashes of dread and worry. My soul ached to return to my apartment. Finally, like the poor soul in Plato’s Cave Allegory, I was freed from my shackles and no longer had to endure the wicked shadows that danced upon my tender soul. I was home. How quickly I opened the door! How swiftly I bolted my small studio apartment door, shutting myself out from the sinful world outside! With reckless abandon I plopped down in my office chair and held the can aloft before my eyes.

The thin metal was sweating beads of glorious perspiration, the touch of the can so smooth to my fingertips. My hands trembled with emotions as I popped the tab and the delicious aroma of Pure Liquid Satisfaction wafted to my nose, tickling my senses with the highest measurements of euphoria. Nearly breathless, I hoisted the can to my lips and took a sip. And then another. And then another. And then another. At first, nothing happened and my soul ached in despair. Could I have been deceived? Could my hopes have been dashed like the mighty Titanic? I was prepared to weep silently into the deep, dark night when something happened. It was like a rush, a powerful explosion of gamma radiation. As if a thousand screaming eagles were let loose in my blood stream, I felt alive! Colors and sounds approached me with a depth and clarity I had never experienced.

And at that moment, I heard the voice of Odin whisper into my head. “Fear not, my child,” he said “for I am Odin, ruler of Asgard. You have drunk from my royal blood and are One with the Cosmos. Rejoice! For today, are you are among The Worthy”

I say thee "Yay!"

He also gave me this

I finished the rest of the bottle and received very little sleep that night, for I knew my life had been changed. Now, several years later, I find myself loyal to the Monster brand. In fact, I have harvested enough tabs from my conquests to send away for my first Monster shirt. Soon I shall bear the logo of The Sacred Fluid and share upon the world The Truth. For lo, I am but a voice in this Concrete Jungle, but this voice shall ring true and just and spread the glory of Monster. Such is my calling. Such is my destiny.

I can't liivvvvvveeee, if living is without yoooouuuuuuuu

BFFs

Written by MrZissman

05/20/2012 at 9:03 PM

I’m a Lumberjack, BABY

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For starters, everyone needs to watch this video before you read any further. Go ahead, I’ll wait..

There. Now you know about chainsaws. Now that you know about chainsaws, you need to see this.

But I ain't jacked my lumber, baby, since my chain saw you.

That sweet baby is an Echo US CS-400 Chainsaw. This sweet baby features i-30 Starting Technology, 40.2cc POWER BOOST Vortex Engine and is available in both 16″ and 18″ blades and, up until about a week ago, I had no idea I wanted one. I’m not exactly sure what day it was, but I remember logging on to Facebook and seeing an ad for a FREE CHAINSAW. All I had to do was enter a contest and it could be mine. Oh, but there was a catch! I had to use their DIS-Likenator and explain in so many words what I really dislike. Well, my first thought was to write something Evil Dead related, because let’s face it, no one can make a chainsaw look sexy like Bruce Campbell.

I came.

Hail to the King, Baby

But no, I figured the zombie angle was taken and (pun fully intended) done to death. If I was going to win this chainsaw, I needed to take a fresh angle, something bold and different. So on a sleep-deprived, stream-of-consciousness, mind-train thought process, I came up with this:

“The trees have become too powerful. At night I can hear them whispering secrets, plotting to overthrow the World of Flesh and embark upon a brutal campaign of bark covered hell. I feel the time has come for man to rise up against The Trees and slice them down in swift, brutal retaliation before they have a chance to strangle the very essence of life out of us with their scraggly roots.”

And that was that. Days went by and I had all but forgotten about the chainsaw till I got a package this afternoon in the mail. No, it wasn’t my beloved CS-400, but a free Echo USA Trucker Cap and a Lorax coloring book to help me “appease the trees”, as the enclosed note said. I was flattered, but bummed I didn’t win the chainsaw. But then later on, I was back on Facebook and saw that Echo USA had taken the time to give me a special shoutout on their Facebook wall! Even more cool, but…but no chainsaw.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Stephen! You live in New York City! What could you possibly need a chainsaw for?” Well, I’m glad you asked because

STEPHEN’S LIST OF THINGS HE WOULD DO WITH AN AWESOME ECHO CS-400 CHAINSAW

  • No need for an electric carver on Thanksgiving
  • A trendy paper weight
  • It could be an awesome “You call that a knife? This is a knife!” Crocodile Dundee moment.
  • Damn sure no one is gonna mug me in this city
  • Great conversation starter
  • Obligatory Zombie Apocalypse protection

 So yeah, TONS of uses. But now, I must weep bitter tears of rejection into the cold, dark lonely night of sorrow. Crying because I have been denied my chainsaw. ECHO-USA, if you are reading this, I could really use that chainsaw right about now…

Written by MrZissman

05/03/2012 at 8:54 PM

Goodbye Yellowbrick Road

with 2 comments

Wow, another blog entry so soon? I know, I’m just as surprised as you are. But I have much to share about Churchgate 2009 and things have taken a turn from the worse. Allow me to explain…

As I said, I skipped church tonight since my mother had requested a private meeting with the Pastor and, once there, several things were discussed that really broke my heart. As I’ve mentioned before, I find myself “tuning out” a lot of times in regards to the lessons and sermons preached by my Pastor. It has nothing to do with him personally, but I can only hear about gay marriage, abortion and how the King James translation is the only true translation so many times. The problem is that I want to LEARN, I want to explore the depths of Jesus and really dig nose first into the scripture.

I gave you milk, not solid food, for you were not yet ready for it. Indeed, you are still not ready.” ~ 1 Corinthians 3:2

See, this is how I feel. I want solid food, meat. I want to study the Hebrew and Greek, learn more about 1st century Jewish culture and lessons and teachings. I can only hear “Gay marriage is wrong!” so many times. Yes, I won’t be marrying a guy anytime soon, nor will I be getting an abortion. Now what? Teach me! Educate me, help me learn.

Because of this, I won’t lie, I sort of “tune out” when the lessons fall into the repetitive nature of The Big 3 (Abortion, homosexuality, King James only) and I check my Facebook, blog or text people because I’m honestly not paying attention. When the lesson does go towards something that is new and interesting, I shove the phone back in my pocket and pay attention. So because of this, a member of my church saw me do this constantly and was curious what I was doing, so they did a Google search on my name and found several of my social media websites. Well, they were simply horrified about the content of my tweets, blog posts and such, and made several copies of several pages of this information. Keep in mind; this is all being done behind my back.

Now the “dirt” on me is given to the Pastor. The Pastor decides to not call me because “he wanted my Mom involved” (NOTE: I’m damn near 30 years old, for crying out loud!) and that’s why he went to her instead. The Pastor also pointed out my exceptions with the repetitive nature of some of his lessons, and with a completely straight face asks my mother “Does Stephen really have a personal relationship with Jesus?”

…?

Now keep in mind, I have attended this church since I was 12-13. I’ve taught in Vacation Bible School, do the weekly slide show, attempted to start-up an eNewsletter that no one bothered to sign up for, I teach Sunday school and often give more on services then the Pastor’s own family! Don’t get me wrong, I’m not trying to sound like a Holier Than Thou, as I’m merely flesh and blood and have a lot of self improving to do. But one glance at my track record will show why such a question is ridiculous.

By this point, I’ve gone beyond angry and just feel hurt, violated and betrayed. Am I perfect? Hardly. Do I sometimes make off-color jokes and run R-rated language? Yep. But how I act on Twitter, or Facebook is NOT how I act in church. And when I teach the kids on Sunday it’s never anything controversial or too out there, in fact, I take great strides to make sure what I teach is in line with what the church believes. Regardless, it’s become clear to me that the proverbial writing is on the wall. I will work on a resignation letter this week and quit my church (again!) and shall attend this Sunday at my grandparent’s church. I’m not happy with this decision, but I feel the odds are against me and it would be an uphill battle that I cannot win. So I will walk away and hope for the best.

Written by MrZissman

11/18/2009 at 10:52 PM

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