From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

I’m a Lumberjack, BABY

with 6 comments

For starters, everyone needs to watch this video before you read any further. Go ahead, I’ll wait..

There. Now you know about chainsaws. Now that you know about chainsaws, you need to see this.

But I ain't jacked my lumber, baby, since my chain saw you.

That sweet baby is an Echo US CS-400 Chainsaw. This sweet baby features i-30 Starting Technology, 40.2cc POWER BOOST Vortex Engine and is available in both 16″ and 18″ blades and, up until about a week ago, I had no idea I wanted one. I’m not exactly sure what day it was, but I remember logging on to Facebook and seeing an ad for a FREE CHAINSAW. All I had to do was enter a contest and it could be mine. Oh, but there was a catch! I had to use their DIS-Likenator and explain in so many words what I really dislike. Well, my first thought was to write something Evil Dead related, because let’s face it, no one can make a chainsaw look sexy like Bruce Campbell.

I came.

Hail to the King, Baby

But no, I figured the zombie angle was taken and (pun fully intended) done to death. If I was going to win this chainsaw, I needed to take a fresh angle, something bold and different. So on a sleep-deprived, stream-of-consciousness, mind-train thought process, I came up with this:

“The trees have become too powerful. At night I can hear them whispering secrets, plotting to overthrow the World of Flesh and embark upon a brutal campaign of bark covered hell. I feel the time has come for man to rise up against The Trees and slice them down in swift, brutal retaliation before they have a chance to strangle the very essence of life out of us with their scraggly roots.”

And that was that. Days went by and I had all but forgotten about the chainsaw till I got a package this afternoon in the mail. No, it wasn’t my beloved CS-400, but a free Echo USA Trucker Cap and a Lorax coloring book to help me “appease the trees”, as the enclosed note said. I was flattered, but bummed I didn’t win the chainsaw. But then later on, I was back on Facebook and saw that Echo USA had taken the time to give me a special shoutout on their Facebook wall! Even more cool, but…but no chainsaw.

Now I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “Hey Stephen! You live in New York City! What could you possibly need a chainsaw for?” Well, I’m glad you asked because


  • No need for an electric carver on Thanksgiving
  • A trendy paper weight
  • It could be an awesome “You call that a knife? This is a knife!” Crocodile Dundee moment.
  • Damn sure no one is gonna mug me in this city
  • Great conversation starter
  • Obligatory Zombie Apocalypse protection

 So yeah, TONS of uses. But now, I must weep bitter tears of rejection into the cold, dark lonely night of sorrow. Crying because I have been denied my chainsaw. ECHO-USA, if you are reading this, I could really use that chainsaw right about now…


Written by MrZissman

05/03/2012 at 8:54 PM

6 Responses

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  1. LOL. Good one :D


    05/03/2012 at 9:00 PM

    • Some people are actually posting on Echo USA’s Facebook wall to give me the chainsaw


      05/03/2012 at 10:13 PM

      • Will pray for that for you, Hope they do.


        05/03/2012 at 10:16 PM

      • That is Awesome, Good for you. I will try to do the same :)


        05/03/2012 at 10:42 PM

  2. Think of the time you could save shaving with that thing!


    05/03/2012 at 10:01 PM

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