From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind


with 2 comments

Man, living life in the Big Apple is expensive. Things that cost $.99 in Ohio would probably run you half-year’s pay here in The City. Roll in the fact that they felt it necessary to raise the bridge toll to TWELVE DOLLARS and you just have a cold recipe for disaster, dawg. So basically, it boils down to the fact that I need money. I’m not a proud man, but I am a smart man, so I did what came naturally.

I sold my blog!

Now some of you may remember when I had briefly allowed Glenn Beck to use my blog in exchange for payment. Well, since Beck was fired quit Fox News, my contract with them became null and void and so I went without payment. Charming, huh? All is not lost, though. Mr. Murdoch was kind enough to give me a coupon for 10% off of a “BILL O’REILLY’S NO-SPIN P’ZONE” at the Fox News Employee Cafeteria.

Anyway, I put my feelers out to find someone who would be willing to pay to use my blog space and I found just the guy! Not only that, but I have a whole slew of guest bloggers lined up to help me earn a little extra cash. Today’s blogger is catching a lot of heat for some bold statements he made about apple juice and he is willing to use From the Desk… to explain himself a bit better. Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome DR OZ! (or rather the article he e-mailed me earlier today)


by: DR OZ

A study conducted back in 2007 found that over eleven MILLION people in the United States alone suffer from cancer. That is a huge number and disturbing when you stop to ponder the mortality rate of these people. But what’s even scarier is the substance that 100% of these people had in their bodies. This substance could potentially be the greatest cancer provider when you consider that every single person who gets cancer has been tested with this substance in their blood, in their body, in their lungs, all over the place.

Now what is the terrible substance? I’ll tell you now: it’s oxygen.

Shocked, aren’t you? But when you stop and look at the trends, when you see that oxygen was tested and found in every cancer patient thus far. It’s invisible, virtually undetectable and can be found in MASSIVE amounts in our atmosphere with no regulation what-so-ever. Don’t believe me? Watch this disturbing footage on how deadly oxygen can be.

Now keep in mind, that fire was started with only two minutes of oxygen saturation, yet we humans inhale this dangerous substance for twenty-four hours a day! You’ve seen the damaging power of oxygen has when it’s allowed to fester for two minutes, now imagine the ticking time bomb inside your lungs right now after twenty-four hours of oxygen inhalation!

There’s more: oxygen is an element, which means it has an atomic number. Now we know that if something is atomic, it must be nuclear and something nuclear gives off radiation and nuclear radiation is bad for you. This is something many doctors won’t tell you about, because they simply don’t know or care! But don’t worry, with my 5 step process you can combat the free-roaming cancer-enhanced radical cell molecules in your body and live a happy, healthy life.

1) ACAI BERRY ENEMAS – The ancient tribe of the Kumoniwannalaya people of northern Michigan knew about the healing and restoration powers of Acai berries. Now granted they are an extinct race and lived on average to be 17 years old before dying from horrible diseases, but they had unlocked the secrets of mother nature. Now when we eat food, the basic vitamins and minerals are absorbed and digested, but along the way they are polluted with natural toxins such as stomach acid and bile, which dilute the healing properties. By going in anally and using an Acai Berry enema, you bypass these toxins and allow the body to absorb the nutrients offered by the berries. I suggest an acai berry enema at least three times a day.

2) GORILLA SEMEN FACIAL MASKS – Gorillas are native to the jungles of Africa and are beautiful, savage creatures. In the wild, a gorilla will live up to fifty years and they do so without the need of medical trips or spas or anything like that. This endurance, this life-span energy is encoded in their DNA, which you will find in heavy amounts in their semen. By vigorously rubbing silver-back gorilla semen on your face 2-3 days a day, your skin cells will absorb these bio-chemical DNA traits and add precious years to your life.

3) CRANBERRY JUICE EAR SOLVENT – Science has taught us that the heavier something is, the slower it moves. Now imagine a heavy sponge slowly moving through a bowl of water. Now what happens? Due to the slow movement, the sponge absorbs a greater amount of water then it would at a normal speed. Now replace that sponge with you and the water with deadly oxygen and you have an idea of where I’m going with this. Now I’m not discouraging people from losing weight, but rather we need to focus on other ways our body can weigh us down and one of the most common culprits is ear wax. Cranberry juice has a strong acidic formula that can attack the ear wax on a molecular basis and dissolve it, allowing you to move faster and to absorb less deadly oxygen.

4) REPLACE YOUR TOILET PAPER WITH COCONUT SHELLS – If I were to ask how many of you use traditional wood-pulp based toilet paper, I’m willing to bet that many, if not all of you, do. But did you know that trees can carry horrible diseases? Tree-based ailments such as Pecan Scab, Crab-Apple Fungus and Juniper-Apple Rust have been known to be dangerous, if not fatal to trees. And we’re supposed to just use paper from trees near our unmentionables? Rather than risk your private area coming in contact with Fire Blight, trying using all-natural, 100% organic coconut shells. More and more information is available about the powerful healing properties of coconut water and since the shells are in constant contact with the water, the same radical fighting enzymes are present, allowing you to feel clean, refreshed and recharged.

5) GARGLE WITH DOG SALIVA – Have you ever been curious why Fido can drag home roadkill that has rotted and baked in the sun all day and still not get sick? That’s because dogs have a special germ-killing enzyme that occurs naturally in their saliva! By gargling with a cup and a half of their saliva 2-3 days a day, your mouth molecules will absorb this special substance and allow you to fight off the cancer causing bacteria of oxygen.

I cannot stress enough how important these steps are. The last thing you want to do is get caught with cancer as it could potentially kill you. Simply live a healthy, clean life, follow these five steps and you’ll be on the road to recovery. Be sure to catch my show tomorrow in which I show how a pineapple suppository may fight off bad breath! Until then!


Written by MrZissman

09/19/2011 at 1:15 PM

2 Responses

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  1. Gargle with dog saliva!!! LOL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Brilliant! Have you tried to sell some of your writing to a publishing company or periodical out there? seriously, Steve, you have a very rare talent.

    Paula Shupe

    09/20/2011 at 7:49 PM

    • Thanks for the kind words! Well, I am trying to shop my talents around, but the market is very crowded in free-lance writing and it’s hard to stand above the noise.


      09/20/2011 at 7:51 PM

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