From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

30 DAY MUSIC CHALLENGE: Day 16 – A Song That You Used to Love But Now Hate

with 2 comments

Man, I was so into Rage Against the Machine back in the day. Don’t get me wrong, I still like them today, but back In The Day, I was really into them. I was raging against any type of political machine and was a loud supporter of Ralph Nader. I even voted for him in the 2000 Presidential elections. (Sorry, Al. I owe you one, buddy.) So imagine my heartbreak when Rage broke up. Those were bummer times, man.

But then they reformed with (then) former Soundgarden singer Chris Cornell, all seemed right with the world. True, it lacked the volatile “SCREW EVERYTHING!” message I was so in tune with, but I was happy to at least enjoy some form of their music. They formed under the name “Audioslave” and their first album was pretty good, especially the first single “Cochise.” Man, I loved that song.

But then a funny thing happened.

Chad Crider happened.

See, Chad is my good buddy/heterosexual life partner/former co-worker and we stay homies till this day. Chad is a fan of great music and he too enjoys the musical stylings of Audioslave, especially “Cochise.” So when he sat at his desk at work (which was right next to mine) he would play ‘Cochise.” And then he would play it again. And again. And again. And again. And again. It was like The Telltale Heart, but with electric guitar. I wanted to rip the CD out of his PC and scream “Here lies the squealing of the hideous guitar!”

But that’s not all, folks. No, no, you’ll soon understand why just the mere rhythm of this song will send me huddled into corner. Chad happened to enjoy gyros from our local (and let’s face, it Mansfield’s only) Greek restaurant. To say their gyros are delicious is to state that the sun is warm or water is moist. These are no ordinary gyros, but rather hand-crafted culinary masterpieces that seem to have descended from the golden hills of Flavor Mountain. Imagine if Thor found a lesser gyro and, growing angry like a god does, brought down the full fury of Odin on this poor gyro. He then used the Odinforce to forge a delicious combination of meat and pita bread, the likes of which man has never seen nor will see again.

Now Chad loved the gyros, we know this to be true. But in truth, the gyros did not love him. No, after about an hour of returning from lunch, a terrible ball of gas and suffering would begin to brew in Chad’s stomach. A vile, noxious concoction of olfactory punishing aromas that seemed to have wafted from the very anus of Beelzebub. Chad would listen to “Cochise” on endless repeat, all the while burping up this hellish gastronomical bio-weapon. Indeed, the fog was so punishing and dense that I’m surprised Homeland Security never arrested the man for possessing a Weapon of Mass-Destruction.

To this day I still can’t listen to this song. It’s like screeching weasels let loose in my brain, furiously clawing at my grey matter. It’s horrible.

So Chad, wherever you are now, crack open a cold Captain Morgan, buddy. Cause Day 16 is dedicated to you.


2 Responses

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  1. Why, Thank you sir. I am most pleased :)

    that guy

    07/21/2011 at 3:43 PM

    • Oh, no, the pleasure is all mine!


      07/21/2011 at 3:45 PM

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