From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

I am the GREAT CORNHOLE!

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[The commercial fades into a black and white shot of two prepubescent boys lounging around in a living room looking bored]

BILLY MAYS: Billy Mays here to tell you about the wonderful world of CORNHOLING! Tired of the same old, same old? Do X-Box games leave you drooling in a fit of near comatose boredom? Then try CORNHOLE! The game where you stand and throw bean bags!

[end commercial]

I love the fact they named the dog MATHMAN. MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN!

I love the fact they named the dog MATHMAN. MATHMAN! MATHMAN! MATHMAN!

For those of you who grow up in the corn-fed midwest such as myself, you’ve probably been introduced to the game of Cornhole and all the glories it has. I can pretty much guarantee that for any family function I attend, someone is going to bring the cornhole boards.

Easter? Cornhole with Jesus!

Thanksgiving? Cornhole with the Pilgrims!

Christmas? Cornhole with Santa!

For those of you who’ve never played Cornhole, it’s kinda like horseshoes. Except replace the metal poles with angled, wooden boards with a hole cut in them, and replace the horse shoes themselves with bean bags. Divide it up into two teams of two and the first one to 21 points wins. I’m not going to take the time to explain the more detailed rules about scoring, but you are more than welcome to read the Wikipedia article, if you so feel inclined.

The thing about Cornhole is, and maybe I’m just too much of a tech geek, but I never understood the draw or attraction of this game. True, I’m not much of an athlete, but I can understand the attraction of football or baseball, sports where people actually move. It just seems like watching paint dry watching middle-aged guys throw bean bags all day.

This doesn’t help me feel any less  separated from my family, both immediate and extended. It’s not a feeling of being unloved, because I know they all care for me deeply, but I feel like I have no common ground with them. I’d rather be knee-deep in zombie gore mayhem playing LEFT 4 DEAD or swinging around Manhattan as Spider-Man on my PS2.

I guess in the long run, variety is the spice of life and I should learn to appreciate my differences. After all, I can only imagine how my family must feel when I start to geek out and explain proper zombie survival techniques. (Shoot them in the head, btw.) or attempting to explain to them the different sides of the Force. Besides, someone needs to be the Official Family Tech Support.

So if you do play cornhole, more power to ya, man. If you get excited about such game-play and find yourself wanting more, who am I stop to you? Enjoy your game, even if it does sound vaguely homo-erotic. I’ll just be over here loading up my auto-shotgun and saving the world from zombies.

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Written by MrZissman

08/17/2009 at 12:49 AM

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