From the Desk of Mr. Zissman

The musings of an over-stimulated mind

The Glory of the Monster

with 8 comments

I’m a pretty clean-cut guy, for the most part. I rarely drink, I don’t do drugs, and I still have a “Gee, shucks” mid-Western mentality in the ever-cynical New York City. But one of the few vices I allow myself is an almost Behind the Music-esque addiction to energy drinks, or more specifically, Monster. This is a story about my first taste of Monster and the magical, life changing can that made me a better human. It was 2009 and the world was a wild and crazy place. Facebook was just starting its global domination conquest, Obama was enjoying his first year in the White House and I was desperate for something special, something powerful. I was tired, lethargic and needing a powerful roundhouse kick that would set my life to The Next Level. And one day in a Columbus gas station, my eyes laid upon the glory.

The Good Stuff

Adrenachrome?

I’m really not sure what drew me to it first. The large, green M? The gargantuan Goliath can? The BFC initials? To this day, I’ll never know. But I knew, I KNEW I had to have it. As I opened the glass door to the cooler, bathing in the crisp, cool waves of the industrial sized refrigeration unit, I wrapped my fingers around this liquid Mjolnir. Almost immediately I felt a spark of energy charge up my arm, sending my brain into ecstatic vibrations of anticipation. The money couldn’t leave my wallet fast enough and soon I was in my car. Now for those of you who have never graced The Buckeye State, it’s about an hour drive from Columbus to my old stomping grounds of Mansfield and the drive was an agony filled, joyless ride. I was not foolish enough to drink this mighty beverage in my car, for the highway can be a treacherous mine-field of thundering metal and squealing rubber. No, I would need all my reflexes to see through the twilight haze that was quickly darkening, for the sun was setting and soon the Bad Drivers would be out.

The headlights seemed to be cruel, jeering eyes that peered from the eventual inky-blackness of a Mid-Ohio Summer Night, their halogen evil casting taunting flashes of dread and worry. My soul ached to return to my apartment. Finally, like the poor soul in Plato’s Cave Allegory, I was freed from my shackles and no longer had to endure the wicked shadows that danced upon my tender soul. I was home. How quickly I opened the door! How swiftly I bolted my small studio apartment door, shutting myself out from the sinful world outside! With reckless abandon I plopped down in my office chair and held the can aloft before my eyes.

The thin metal was sweating beads of glorious perspiration, the touch of the can so smooth to my fingertips. My hands trembled with emotions as I popped the tab and the delicious aroma of Pure Liquid Satisfaction wafted to my nose, tickling my senses with the highest measurements of euphoria. Nearly breathless, I hoisted the can to my lips and took a sip. And then another. And then another. And then another. At first, nothing happened and my soul ached in despair. Could I have been deceived? Could my hopes have been dashed like the mighty Titanic? I was prepared to weep silently into the deep, dark night when something happened. It was like a rush, a powerful explosion of gamma radiation. As if a thousand screaming eagles were let loose in my blood stream, I felt alive! Colors and sounds approached me with a depth and clarity I had never experienced.

And at that moment, I heard the voice of Odin whisper into my head. “Fear not, my child,” he said “for I am Odin, ruler of Asgard. You have drunk from my royal blood and are One with the Cosmos. Rejoice! For today, are you are among The Worthy”

I say thee "Yay!"

He also gave me this

I finished the rest of the bottle and received very little sleep that night, for I knew my life had been changed. Now, several years later, I find myself loyal to the Monster brand. In fact, I have harvested enough tabs from my conquests to send away for my first Monster shirt. Soon I shall bear the logo of The Sacred Fluid and share upon the world The Truth. For lo, I am but a voice in this Concrete Jungle, but this voice shall ring true and just and spread the glory of Monster. Such is my calling. Such is my destiny.

I can't liivvvvvveeee, if living is without yoooouuuuuuuu

BFFs

Written by MrZissman

05/20/2012 at 9:03 PM

8 Responses

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  1. Another great blog Steve! I can always count on you for a good read and a good laugh as well!

    Sherry

    05/20/2012 at 11:12 PM

    • Thanks! Always nice to know there are people who still read this thing,

      MrZissman

      05/20/2012 at 11:17 PM

  2. Another great read Steve! Reading and laughing over this was a good way to start the day!

    Linda Johnson

    05/21/2012 at 6:18 AM

    • Thank you for your kind words! Please be sure to spread the word about my blog

      MrZissman

      05/21/2012 at 8:11 AM

  3. Not only did I love all the avengers references, but they cracked me up. I too am a huge fan of the giant green M. Together through the mighty forces of Monster we are no longer cousins, now we are super cousins lol. Great blog man, looking forward to more.

    Jake Harvey

    05/21/2012 at 8:01 AM

    • Monster is the best! AMP and N0S come close and Rockstar tastes like unfiltered ass water

      MrZissman

      05/21/2012 at 8:12 AM

  4. Very good Steve…..I’ve never tried it, but after reading this maybe I should!LOL

    Tami Porter

    05/21/2012 at 8:41 AM

    • Hey, you might like it! Even if the original Monster flavor seems to be a bit too harsh, they have other flavors like Green Tea, Half and Half and more.

      MrZissman

      05/21/2012 at 2:51 PM


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